Decisions.

People ask me why I am the way I am.
I find that the most ammusing question.
"Uhh, because my mum and dad reproduced to make me. And then I grew up."

I mean seriously, what kind of an answer do you expect?

Ok, so I get where they're coming from.
Looking back 4 years, it's just plain freaky. Or even better, look back 2 years, it's disturbing.
Half way through grade 9, that's when I remember noticing the change for the first time.

Anyone who knew me in primary school, all the way up to the end of grade 9. You all know how much of a coward I was. I had no self-confidence. Stuck to the rules. Dressed in long, pink dresses with frills along the bottom.
And if anyone can remember that, maybe you can remember how much I hated myself.
How unhappy I was with everything. How I wasn't a good public speaker, or I never had the guts to ever say something to someone. Or how people avoided me because I was 'geeky'.
How I was so withdrawn, it was, just......unnatural.

Then it was around the end of 2007 that I realised how much I hated myself, and wanted to change.
So I did.
The hair, the clothes, the attitude, the makeup.
I made it all new. A fresh start.
Turns out my 'fresh start' kinda started down the wrong path. But, by the time I realised, it was too late.

I'm not saying I'm happy now.
My ideas to make myself a better person, happier person, they kinda backfired.

It's funny how people treat you depending on how you look.
I never would have made so many friends if I hadn't changed my looks. I wouldn't feel so confident. I mean, Christ, guys never even spoke to me before I changed.
Now look at me.

And you'd think all this would make me happier.
YOU'D THINK.

But it doesn't. In a way, I miss the messed up, geeky little mouse that I used to be.
Becuase, that was ME.

I've gone from Maddie, to Madi.
And I don't know if I like it or not.