I'm losing.

I'm losing everything these days.

My friends.
My will to learn.
My fight.
My morals.
My barrier.
The wall that keeps my emotions hidden from everyone.
I cried while I was on the phone the other night. I've never done that before.
Then she cried. So I cried more.

I'm losing my strive to be all I can be.
I'm losing sight of my goals and how to achieve them.
I'm focusing more on others than myself.
So I'm losing myself.

I have a maths assignment that is due on Tuesday, and I haven't completely finished a single question in it.
I find anything that can distract me.
I'm losing my want to be a pilot. Because I've lost the will to work to get there.

I'm losing the strength I used to have that kept me sober.

I'm losing my mask.

I'm losing the part of me that told me what was right and wrong.
So I never know anymore.
I've lost that part of me that never wanted to be the kind of person that drunk alone, or lost sight of what they wanted to do with their lives.
So I drunk alone last night. And I've decided I no longer want to work to be a pilot.

I'm losing my brain cells.
My grades are slipping, and they've been slipping since grade 10.
I used to try to stop that, but now I can't even be bothered.

I'm losing my want to be here anymore.

I beat you.

I'm pretty sure I have so much that I want to talk about right now. But I don't know how much I want to say, or whether I want to say anything at all.
Or even if I'm comfortable with people knowing.

I've re-written this blog 3 times now, and each time I just delete it.
I don't try change anything, I just close the tab, and start a new one.

Truth is, I've always been bad at explaining myself, or at expressing myself.
I'm not able to trust anyone enough to let them know the real me, or to let them inside.
I'm protective of myself, I don't like to feel exposed or vulnerable.
I don't like to bombard people with my problems or emotions. I don't like people to feel sorry for me.
I don't like people seeing me unhappy. I like people to see me smiling, making jokes.
I like helping people, I like looking after people, listening to them when they need someone to talk to.

I think that's why it's so much easier to blog my feelings, because then people can take it however they please.
I can stick 'lol' at the end of a sentance, and change the entire emotion of the sentance.
I can make things seem better than they actually are, so that no one ever really knows how much I hurt.

And oh, do I really hurt sometimes.

Like last night for instance.
I was meant to go to a party last night, I was really looking forward to it.
That didn't happen.
I couldn't stop crying. I tried so hard, I was dressed up, I was excited.
But I couldn't stop. It just wasn't happening.
So I had to bail.
Which made me cry even more.
Because that just meant that I had to spend the night at home, with my family, in my house.

I don't think anyone will ever really understand completely just how hard it is for me sometimes.
How much I really don't like being in my house, or around my parents.
How much I miss my older brother, because she abandoned me when he moved out. He left me alone.
How much I don't feel like I fit in anywhere anymore.
How much I try to be the best friend to everyone, but I get used.
How late I stay up, studying and working, and at the same time, counselling everyone.
How much I wish I had someone I could tell everything to, everything.
How alone I feel these days.
How hard it is for me to always look so happy.
How forced my smile always is.
How much I just want to break down and cry, but I stay strong.
How much I never want anyone to know what's really going on inside me.
How I wish that I wasn't so selfish sometimes.
How there is so much I need to say right now, but can't, because I don't know how to explain anything.
How I'm always miserable, but how no one ever believes me when I say that.
How people always talk about how happy I am, and how they love how happy I am, that I can never talk to them about my problems.
How sometimes it just gets so hard, I hurt myself.

No one will ever REALLY understand.

Just because I can.

There's still time during this class. And seeing as I don't plan on doing any actual work right now, I figure this is a good use of my time.

I feel lonely today.
It's a strange feeling. I'm surrounded by my friends, by people who I know care about me. And yet, I feel more alone than I've ever felt.

I don't know how to explain it.
You're not here today, and so I'm lost.
I keep looking over to where you usually put your bag, or where you sit, expecting to see you. But I don't.
You aren't walking up those stairs, or walking past my classroom. You aren't coming late like you do on days when you have SOR first period.

I don't really talk to you a whole lot when you are here anyway.
But just knowing that you're there, gives me a reason to smile.
You're sick, and I'm worrying.
I can't concentrate now, because you haven't replied to my text.
You told me last night that you blacked out again, and are yet to see a doctor.
If anything happens to you, I really do not know what I would do.

Thursday admin

Though I should be doing my maths C assignment, seeing as it's due on Monday and I have successfully completed merely 1/4 of the first question only.
I feel like being able to access blogger is much, much more worthy of my time.

Also, I don't understand this:
Investigate and research Cramer's rule for solving a system of equations. Use this technique on the equation below to solve for 'z'

w + 2x + y + z = 4
w + x + 2y - z = 9
-2x - x + y + z = 1
-w + x - 3y +2z = -10


I don't know who this "Cramer" chick is.
But someone should have murdered her the second she invented this rule.
NOT ONLY did Mr Wagner choose not to explain to us what the rule was, but instead, allow us to research and learn it ourselves.
But more so, this chick likes to talk some serious crap.
Now multiply by , and use the property of determinants that multiplication by a constant is equivalent to multiplication of each entry in a single column by that constant.

Yes, I understand completely.
*hurls book to other side of room*


On a lighter note.
....I have no lighter notes.

I've finished my maths B assignment, I guess that's exciting.
Except for the fact that I made a bet with Gabby, whoever gets a higher mark on the assignment wins.
I don't know what the prize is exactly.
But if I lose, I think I might cry.
She'll own me for the rest of my life.
"I BEAT A MATHS C GIRL!"
*hides face in shame*

Maybe I could move to Mexico..

I wish everyday was interschool athletics.

I woke up at 11am.
Because I decided last night that I didn't want to go to school.
I didn't tell my parents. They didn't realise.
I woke up, and everyone was gone.
=D

I did my physics DRAFT.
....I wrote about 200 words in the discussion, but need help because my experiment gave me NOTHING to discuss.
It didn't prove my point, it didn't prove any point.
It proved that black lights are really fun to play with when you get bored of writing things.
And it proved that my nails look nice and pretty.
:)

I finished my maths.
Well, to an extent.
I need someone to explain to me how it is that I got a minimum of 21, but a first quartile of 17...

I wrote someone a veryyyyy long letter because I felt like a total bitch last night.

I chose not to turn the air-conditioner on, being nice an energy conservative.
I chose instead to have a nice cold shower and wash my hair.
I chose not to blow dry it, because I felt all cool.
I instead, chose to put on a bra and my little pj shorts (Lala knows the ones..) and walk onto the deck to shake my hair.
I then realised that I was in fact on the deck, dripping wet, and shaking my hair while dressed in a bra and shorts that are longer than my undies.
I edged back towards the door.

I looked at my maths C assignment, and gave up for the 5th time.

And I curled up in a towel and lay on my bed listening to music.

Yes, God it was fun.

I know.

I know you didn't mean to hurt me. I didn't mean those things that I said either.

I told you that I didn't get jealous, that was a lie. I really do. I FORCE myself not to be.
I hate that feeling of jealousy, of anger, I really hate it. So I force it away. But it's still there.
I guess I just couldn't force it away last time. I tried and I tried, but it wouldn't go anywhere except out my fucking mouth.
I said some hurtful things to you.
You said some worse things.

I felt worthless. I felt used. I felt unappreciated, unwanted, abandoned.
But I know that you didn't mean it to be like that.
I know you're sorry.
I am too.

Sometimes I feel like you're all I have these days.

Nice to know.

“She’s a slut, and isn’t worth anyone’s time.”

“She’s done no more than me. And she’s my friend; she’s worth my time if she needs help.”

“Still doesn’t mean she isn’t a slut.”

“Ok, right there. If you think that, you just called about 98% of my friends’ sluts, including me.”

“Not you! Her!”

“You think she’s a slut, then so am I.”

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

“I’m not an idiot. I know exactly what you fucking meant.

Nice to know how you see me.”

Ha! I knew she thought I was.

“Fine, nothing I say is coming out right. I just can’t win, can I?

Well, have fun helping her and then being left unappreciated. Just gives you one more reason to cry. Night.”

Ohhhhh…… I love it how people care.

I love it how she says she respects me, and wants to help me and be there for me.

Then turns around, calls me a slut and tells me to go have a cry about it.

You know what?

I think I might.

Like I need this right now.

The one person I rely on the most these days just turned her back on me. Wooo, yay me.

I’m so over high school.

Girls are bitches. Guys are users.

Family is a pain.

School is time-consuming.

Work is painful.

Money is difficult.

Helping everyone at once is impossible.

Making people happy just doesn’t work.

Panadol doesn’t help my headaches.

Tears don’t stop the hurt.

Late night walks don’t calm me down.

Nothing fucking works anymore.

40 hour famineeee

It's been 24 hours and 40 minutes so far and I'm still alive!

Work kinda sucked without my usual stash of lollies under the register. And I realised how slow one hour breaks can go when you don't have anything to eat or anything to do.
And then when other people are eating around you, and you have to get up and walk away.
THEY KEPT OFFERING ME FOOD!
lol

I really wanted to go to the Marist Dance tonight. But I really don't think my legs will take me there.
I washed my hair instead, and now I'm going to attempt some maths and some phyics.
Woo me.

Today's events.

I love the emotion changes between my last blog and this one.


Today was actually an alright day.
I had fun in SOR, laughed so hard.

I lost my belly button bar during homeroom.
It started to close up on me, so Gabby had the amazing idea to stick a paperclip through it.
I had to re-pierce my belly button with a paperclip..
I walked around for over an hour with a paperclip stuck through a hole in my stomach, red and disgusting.
I was shaking during maths because it hurt so much.
Ray offered me her belly button bar to use until I get a new one.
I gladly accepted it.
I have to buy a new one, but I really can't afford it.

That right there, made the day pretty fun.

I spent the afternoon with one of my best friends, and forgot about everything.
I was genuinely happy.

What's been on my mind.

So I have this friend, who keeps telling me that I need to open up more. Let people inside and let my feelings out.

I haven't done that since....birth.

I don’t know how to do that. Like I was telling her the other night.
“No one has ever asked me how I’m feeling or if I’m having a good day, an actually meant it.”

But it’s not only that reason that keeps me from ever opening up to anyone. It’s more than that.
It’s been only recent. But I’ve become the ‘it’ girl, you know, the ‘go-to-girl’.
For everyone.
I don’t know what I think of that though.
I love to help people, to listen and let them vent everything to me. I love being able to be trusted with secrets and feelings, and to have people want to talk to me.
But, when everyone does it at the same time, it can get a little tedious.

Everyone has so many problems, everyone has issues and in need of help. And apparently I’m the one that they all want to go to.
I don’t know what to do.

I can’t turn my back on them. Who could do that.
But, how can I possibly give one person my full attention, and help them to my full ability, if at the same time, I’m also listening to someone else’s problems?
And then, I have to try and keep everything separate. If I’m angry at one person’s problems, and I’m meant to be sympathetic to another person, it takes so much to try and keep those two emotions hidden from each person.

I don’t know what I can do.

I feel like shit, always these days.
I feel like shit because I can’t ever give someone 100% of my time.
I feel like shit because sometimes I can’t help.
I feel like shit because when you do nothing but listen to everyone else’s issues, they become your own.
I feel like shit because all I ever think about is what they can do for themselves.
I feel like shit because I haven’t been sleeping.
I feel like shit because I have to bottle up every emotion I have.
I feel like shit because no one is ever there when I need someone to talk to.
I feel like shit because I love to help people, but at the same time, I wish I wasn’t the one that they went to.
I feel like shit because that’s selfish.

I don’t get any sleep anymore.
It seems like the second I put my head down on that pillow, that very second, my phone will vibrate.
Someone else needs me to talk to.
So again, I am awake, listening to them and helping them, until they go to bed.
And then I rest my head, and there it goes again.
Lather, Rinse and Repeat.

At most, I can get close to 4 hours sleep a night. Usually less.

And I come to school the next day, exhausted.
But no one cares.
They still expect me to have all the answers, to be superwoman.

I don’t know what I should do.

Even now, writing this, I feel horrible.
How selfish am I?
Bitching about the fact that people have hard lives and need help.
I make myself angry sometimes.

But she told me to.
She told me to let my feelings out, to stop bottling them up like I do.

I don’t bottle them up all the time.
Sometimes, I do cry.
When it gets too much for me, I cry.
For hours, just sitting there, for no reason even. And then I’ll be done, wash my face, and be fine again.
She says that’s not enough.
She says I need to talk to someone.
But who can I talk to?
People have their own problems to worry about, I don’t want to bitch about my little ones.

But here it goes.

I need to get more sleep, I’m always exhausted, feeling like crap, can’t concentrate.
I spend so much time listening to people and helping them, that I don’t have time for anything else.
I don’t have time for myself, or my family.
I don’t have time to study or do assignments.
I fight with my parents all the time. I walk to school, I walk home.
I hurt my back, but haven’t told anyone. Who cares anyway?
I get migrains all the time these days.
I’m not allowed to talk to one of my best friends, because her friend doesn’t like me.
I’m drifting away from the one person I thought I never would.
I realised that she has better friends than me.
I don’t have anyone that I truly feel wants to be around me.
I have only 3 people who I know I can trust.
I’ve had my trust broken by many.
I’m caught up in rumors about myself and two of my closest friends.
I've found out that people I thought were my closest friends, believe those rumors.
I have a guy in my life, who is crazy about me, but who I don’t want to be with, simply because I wouldn’t have time to be a ‘good girlfriend’ with all the stuff I do for everyone else.
I've jepoardised my relationships to be there for my friends.
I let myself suffer so that I can be the best friend everyone needs.
I have no money left in my bank, and my parents found out.
I spend so much money on people, because I feel obliged to.
I don’t eat anymore because I’m tired of being called fat.
I'm never hungry anyway because I have too much to think about.
I have the best group of friends I could ever ask for, but I’m never even around them anymore.
I know I've hurt them.
I know I make them feel like I'm using them.
I have another group of friends who are pulling me away, and I can’t stop them.
I never say ‘no’ to anyone.
I’m losing the people I love because I’ve made bad decisions for myself.
I’m torn between my friends, the ones that I want to be with, and the ones that need me to be with them.
I’ve run out of advice to give people.
I have the hardest time trying to hide my feelings from everyone.
I haven’t been genuinely happy for a long time now.
I hide that behind my loud, smiling mask.
I hate who I’ve become.
I hate the decisions I’ve made in the past.
I hate myself.
I’m over drama, but no matter where it goes, it follows me.
I wish I was a better friend.
I keep getting told that I’m amazing, but I don’t think I do anything special.
I spend hours sometimes, just sitting down, hoping someone would call me and ask how I was feeling.
I wish I had someone I could cuddle, and have cuddle me.
I wish that someday I will actually have time to be in a relationship.
I hate how I can be so selfish.
I do so much for everyone, I do what they want, and in return, I am treated like shit.
I get used. And I think I’ve given up on caring.
I don’t feel like I am actually close with anyone anymore.
I hate being in my house, I’m always walking, or visiting her at her house.
I can’t tell my parents anything anymore.
I disrespect them, and rebel against them.
I’m always locked away in my room, with the music loud.
I haven’t felt appreciated, by anyone, in what feels like a lifetime.

I consider suicide a lot these days.

I don’t like to talk about my feelings. That’s not even everything I want to talk about.
But I started crying, and had to stop thinking about things.
I’ve locked everything up again now.

Precious keeps telling me to open up to her, and tell her what I feel, what’s wrong, why I really don’t like being in my house anymore.
But I don’t like to cry in front of people.
And when I start thinking about that stuff, I can’t help myself.
It’s just easier to type it.

I can’t ever let myself think about any of my own problems, because it takes so much of my effort to lock everything away again.
What if someone needed my help?
I would be too busy thinking about myself to do anything for them.
And I couldn’t forgive myself.

Precious told me to turn my phone off.
But I can’t.
What if it was something major?
What if I was needed that very moment?
What if I wasn’t there for them, and something went wrong?
No, I couldn’t do that.

I don’t know how I can act.

I don’t know whether I mind that they come to me.
I don’t know if I care that for some reason, everyone has begun to refer to me as ‘mum’.

But I wish it was simpler.

I wish life would be over already.

Abortion.

First of all, I'd like to say that everyone is entitled to their own opinion.
As am I.

I guess, I don't know why I'm blogging this really. I kind've had my big rant about it last night to someone very unexpecting.
...They stopped texting me.

I've been brought up with certain beliefs that I have learned from my mum. I value the things that she does, I understand her point of views, and in time, they become my own.
One thing that I've always felt very strongly about is abortion.
I guess, because my mum does so much medical stuff, she knows a lot of stories and feels strongly about this stuff. So then, I do too.

We've had plently of discussions about this topic together, always agreeing with each other, but we still find a reason to yell. Maybe it's because it's something we both feel so strongly about, that even talking about it makes us want to scream.

I think, that's why I ranted last night so bad. After reading a blog about certain things that someone believes in. And realising that although she is right to have her own opinions, and right to make her own chocies, to me, she was completely wrong.

Abortion, like anything, is a single person's decision.
We can't decide something like that for someone just because we feel a certain way. What we can do however, is give them guidence. Offer them advice, share our own feelings, and hope that they will make the right decision for everyone involved.
And then it comes to abortion, when I say everyone, I mean everyone.
Including that little baby inside you that you are determining whether to kill or not.

From the moment that little egg is fertilized, a human has been created.
A human with a heart beat, a brain, feelings, fingers and toes.
Sure, they start out as a little ball of goop without any pominent body features. But a heart has started to beat, and this baby has started to grow.

So now.
How can someone talk about having strong feelings for equal rights, and equal voices, when they also agree with abortion?
Abortion is a decision made by a mother, about killing her child.
So, when exactly does the child get their voice in this deicision?
It's their business is it not?

One thing that really gets to me when I hear people talking about this. Are the words "pro-choice."
I'm sorry.....who's choice would that be??
You're about to kill a human being, and that is your choice, not theirs.
Is that right?

I remember reading this article one morning that made me want to throw up.
A woman, I can't remember exactly how far along she was, made the decision to abort her child.
I don't know why she made such a rash deicison so far along. But hey.
She undergo the procedure, and the end result left her womb nice and clean.
The baby however, was alive, was able to cry. Was not however, able to breathe.
This little child, was removed from her home before she was ready to face the world. And left to die.
Struggling to breathe, gasping, crying, this baby was left on a fucking table.
A nurse, obviosuly having some common sense, stepped in, and saved this baby's life.
The aborted baby, a full grown woman now, fights to get her story told, and to guide mothers in the right direction.

All of you 'pro-choice' people out there.
Think about it.

Yes, you might have your reasons for beleiving what you believe, like I have reasons for saying all of this.
Whether the baby will be born into a bad home is no reason to end its life before it's even born.
There's a little thing called child services that helps with that sort of stuff. And eventually that child will be helped.
Whether you think you will not make a fit mother is also no reason. It's called adoption people. You sign some paper, hand over the baby, and know that it will go to a good home with a good family.
If divorce is an issue, and you feel that you don't want to bring a baby into a home with only one parent, then again, adoption. Not murder.
And finally. If you become aware that the child in question will be born with some form of disability. It is not your choice whether that baby is better off just dead.
How about you let that baby be born, and let it live some life, then how about you let the child decide whether it is going to die or not??

I don't understand how some people can convince themselves that they are right in being 'pro-abortion'.
I know, I know, I keep saying that it is your own values and beliefs, and you are entitled to them. But the more that I write about this, the stronger I feel and the more I am convinced that you don't know what the hell you are talking about.

Abortion is not an act of selflessness. Only looking out for the baby.
There are so many more alternatives that will secure the child's future. There are so many ways you can offer this child a good life.
Killing a baby, is not the way to go.

If someone can be against murder and all for equal rights and what not.
Then why I ask you, can you agree with a person's decision to murder their baby.
It's muder, even though the baby hasn't lived it's life yet. It is alive.
Speaking of which.
How can you truely think that you are in the right, by killing someone that hasn't even had a chance to experience life yet?

People today are uneducated, naive.

And to those that just plain don't want the baby. They don't want to be pregnant.
You're the most naive of them all.
Abortion doesn't make you un-pregnant, it just makes you the mother of a dead baby.

I smile like a dickhead.

Just because I know you.

Mumblemumblemumble

I was attempting to read Kristy's blog a little earlier.... I sat attempting because by just reading the title, I suddenly had that song stuck in my head.

When you look me in the eyes,

And tell me that you love me.

Everything's alright,

When you're right here by my side.

When you look me in the eyes,

I catch a glimpse of heaven.

I find my paradise,

When you look me in the eyes.

Yes, it's a Jonas Brothers song.

Don't judge.