What's been on my mind.

So I have this friend, who keeps telling me that I need to open up more. Let people inside and let my feelings out.

I haven't done that since....birth.

I don’t know how to do that. Like I was telling her the other night.
“No one has ever asked me how I’m feeling or if I’m having a good day, an actually meant it.”

But it’s not only that reason that keeps me from ever opening up to anyone. It’s more than that.
It’s been only recent. But I’ve become the ‘it’ girl, you know, the ‘go-to-girl’.
For everyone.
I don’t know what I think of that though.
I love to help people, to listen and let them vent everything to me. I love being able to be trusted with secrets and feelings, and to have people want to talk to me.
But, when everyone does it at the same time, it can get a little tedious.

Everyone has so many problems, everyone has issues and in need of help. And apparently I’m the one that they all want to go to.
I don’t know what to do.

I can’t turn my back on them. Who could do that.
But, how can I possibly give one person my full attention, and help them to my full ability, if at the same time, I’m also listening to someone else’s problems?
And then, I have to try and keep everything separate. If I’m angry at one person’s problems, and I’m meant to be sympathetic to another person, it takes so much to try and keep those two emotions hidden from each person.

I don’t know what I can do.

I feel like shit, always these days.
I feel like shit because I can’t ever give someone 100% of my time.
I feel like shit because sometimes I can’t help.
I feel like shit because when you do nothing but listen to everyone else’s issues, they become your own.
I feel like shit because all I ever think about is what they can do for themselves.
I feel like shit because I haven’t been sleeping.
I feel like shit because I have to bottle up every emotion I have.
I feel like shit because no one is ever there when I need someone to talk to.
I feel like shit because I love to help people, but at the same time, I wish I wasn’t the one that they went to.
I feel like shit because that’s selfish.

I don’t get any sleep anymore.
It seems like the second I put my head down on that pillow, that very second, my phone will vibrate.
Someone else needs me to talk to.
So again, I am awake, listening to them and helping them, until they go to bed.
And then I rest my head, and there it goes again.
Lather, Rinse and Repeat.

At most, I can get close to 4 hours sleep a night. Usually less.

And I come to school the next day, exhausted.
But no one cares.
They still expect me to have all the answers, to be superwoman.

I don’t know what I should do.

Even now, writing this, I feel horrible.
How selfish am I?
Bitching about the fact that people have hard lives and need help.
I make myself angry sometimes.

But she told me to.
She told me to let my feelings out, to stop bottling them up like I do.

I don’t bottle them up all the time.
Sometimes, I do cry.
When it gets too much for me, I cry.
For hours, just sitting there, for no reason even. And then I’ll be done, wash my face, and be fine again.
She says that’s not enough.
She says I need to talk to someone.
But who can I talk to?
People have their own problems to worry about, I don’t want to bitch about my little ones.

But here it goes.

I need to get more sleep, I’m always exhausted, feeling like crap, can’t concentrate.
I spend so much time listening to people and helping them, that I don’t have time for anything else.
I don’t have time for myself, or my family.
I don’t have time to study or do assignments.
I fight with my parents all the time. I walk to school, I walk home.
I hurt my back, but haven’t told anyone. Who cares anyway?
I get migrains all the time these days.
I’m not allowed to talk to one of my best friends, because her friend doesn’t like me.
I’m drifting away from the one person I thought I never would.
I realised that she has better friends than me.
I don’t have anyone that I truly feel wants to be around me.
I have only 3 people who I know I can trust.
I’ve had my trust broken by many.
I’m caught up in rumors about myself and two of my closest friends.
I've found out that people I thought were my closest friends, believe those rumors.
I have a guy in my life, who is crazy about me, but who I don’t want to be with, simply because I wouldn’t have time to be a ‘good girlfriend’ with all the stuff I do for everyone else.
I've jepoardised my relationships to be there for my friends.
I let myself suffer so that I can be the best friend everyone needs.
I have no money left in my bank, and my parents found out.
I spend so much money on people, because I feel obliged to.
I don’t eat anymore because I’m tired of being called fat.
I'm never hungry anyway because I have too much to think about.
I have the best group of friends I could ever ask for, but I’m never even around them anymore.
I know I've hurt them.
I know I make them feel like I'm using them.
I have another group of friends who are pulling me away, and I can’t stop them.
I never say ‘no’ to anyone.
I’m losing the people I love because I’ve made bad decisions for myself.
I’m torn between my friends, the ones that I want to be with, and the ones that need me to be with them.
I’ve run out of advice to give people.
I have the hardest time trying to hide my feelings from everyone.
I haven’t been genuinely happy for a long time now.
I hide that behind my loud, smiling mask.
I hate who I’ve become.
I hate the decisions I’ve made in the past.
I hate myself.
I’m over drama, but no matter where it goes, it follows me.
I wish I was a better friend.
I keep getting told that I’m amazing, but I don’t think I do anything special.
I spend hours sometimes, just sitting down, hoping someone would call me and ask how I was feeling.
I wish I had someone I could cuddle, and have cuddle me.
I wish that someday I will actually have time to be in a relationship.
I hate how I can be so selfish.
I do so much for everyone, I do what they want, and in return, I am treated like shit.
I get used. And I think I’ve given up on caring.
I don’t feel like I am actually close with anyone anymore.
I hate being in my house, I’m always walking, or visiting her at her house.
I can’t tell my parents anything anymore.
I disrespect them, and rebel against them.
I’m always locked away in my room, with the music loud.
I haven’t felt appreciated, by anyone, in what feels like a lifetime.

I consider suicide a lot these days.

I don’t like to talk about my feelings. That’s not even everything I want to talk about.
But I started crying, and had to stop thinking about things.
I’ve locked everything up again now.

Precious keeps telling me to open up to her, and tell her what I feel, what’s wrong, why I really don’t like being in my house anymore.
But I don’t like to cry in front of people.
And when I start thinking about that stuff, I can’t help myself.
It’s just easier to type it.

I can’t ever let myself think about any of my own problems, because it takes so much of my effort to lock everything away again.
What if someone needed my help?
I would be too busy thinking about myself to do anything for them.
And I couldn’t forgive myself.

Precious told me to turn my phone off.
But I can’t.
What if it was something major?
What if I was needed that very moment?
What if I wasn’t there for them, and something went wrong?
No, I couldn’t do that.

I don’t know how I can act.

I don’t know whether I mind that they come to me.
I don’t know if I care that for some reason, everyone has begun to refer to me as ‘mum’.

But I wish it was simpler.

I wish life would be over already.