I beat you.

I'm pretty sure I have so much that I want to talk about right now. But I don't know how much I want to say, or whether I want to say anything at all.
Or even if I'm comfortable with people knowing.

I've re-written this blog 3 times now, and each time I just delete it.
I don't try change anything, I just close the tab, and start a new one.

Truth is, I've always been bad at explaining myself, or at expressing myself.
I'm not able to trust anyone enough to let them know the real me, or to let them inside.
I'm protective of myself, I don't like to feel exposed or vulnerable.
I don't like to bombard people with my problems or emotions. I don't like people to feel sorry for me.
I don't like people seeing me unhappy. I like people to see me smiling, making jokes.
I like helping people, I like looking after people, listening to them when they need someone to talk to.

I think that's why it's so much easier to blog my feelings, because then people can take it however they please.
I can stick 'lol' at the end of a sentance, and change the entire emotion of the sentance.
I can make things seem better than they actually are, so that no one ever really knows how much I hurt.

And oh, do I really hurt sometimes.

Like last night for instance.
I was meant to go to a party last night, I was really looking forward to it.
That didn't happen.
I couldn't stop crying. I tried so hard, I was dressed up, I was excited.
But I couldn't stop. It just wasn't happening.
So I had to bail.
Which made me cry even more.
Because that just meant that I had to spend the night at home, with my family, in my house.

I don't think anyone will ever really understand completely just how hard it is for me sometimes.
How much I really don't like being in my house, or around my parents.
How much I miss my older brother, because she abandoned me when he moved out. He left me alone.
How much I don't feel like I fit in anywhere anymore.
How much I try to be the best friend to everyone, but I get used.
How late I stay up, studying and working, and at the same time, counselling everyone.
How much I wish I had someone I could tell everything to, everything.
How alone I feel these days.
How hard it is for me to always look so happy.
How forced my smile always is.
How much I just want to break down and cry, but I stay strong.
How much I never want anyone to know what's really going on inside me.
How I wish that I wasn't so selfish sometimes.
How there is so much I need to say right now, but can't, because I don't know how to explain anything.
How I'm always miserable, but how no one ever believes me when I say that.
How people always talk about how happy I am, and how they love how happy I am, that I can never talk to them about my problems.
How sometimes it just gets so hard, I hurt myself.

No one will ever REALLY understand.