They aren't in oder, the ones down the bottom were taken first.
This is why I love my life.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Epiphany..
I just realised how long it has been since I last blogged. I've gone from this insignifant, annoying website being my life, to not wanting anything to do with it at all. I haven't even thought about looking at my friend's blogs for at least a week now. Why? I don't know. It's not that my life is just so perfect that I have nothing to rant about. It's not that I'm so miserable that I can't even bring myself to write it down. It's not that I don't care what's going on with my friends.
It's just, become nothing to me. Pointless, time consuming, and unnecessary.
Frankly, I had just decided I had better things to do than ramble about my life on the internet. Who is annoying me this week, what I feel at that very moment. Hoping that someone will read it and feel sorry for me, or pay attention to me.
Though, I do miss it. This is where I came to let myself go, to write down what I needed to, and to make myself feel better. To be able to read it all later on, and try to understand exactly what I was feeling that time, though I never will.
For a while, I haven't been ranting to much on the internet for others to read. I've been ranting in private. Taking it out on myself, or whoever I happen to be talking to at that moment.
I've decided that was a really stupid idea. I realised that last night when I was fighting with my 'significant other' because I hadn't talked to them about what was bothering me, and just ignored them all together.
Relationship suicide.
So here I am again. I hope you didn't miss me too much.
I have just as much goss as always, though, I don't think all of it needs to go up here anymore. Maybe just the not-so-important stuff.
One not-so-important thing involves my attitude towards school and my future. I had a kind of epiphany the other night while I was laying in bed flicking through one of my brother's aircraft magazines.
My dream, is to be a pilot. It's just how I've always seen myself. I know I would be good at it, I know I would love it, I know it's what would be the perfect job for me. The freedom, the control, the appreciation, the honour, the concentration. I can see myself sitting in the cockpit, flying a plane, and knowing that I have done the right thing with my life.
Before that night, I had always seen myself as being a pilot. But I'd never understood the amount of effort and determination that actually required.
So there I was in bed, thinking about my future, and how I don't want to struggle or be miserable, or be regretting my childhood. And I researched the one thing that might be able to save me.
ADFA.
Australian Defence Force Academy.
I can go there, and train to be a fighter jet pilot. I get the training I need, I get the discipline that my life needs, I learn so much that I will never struggle with anything. And afer 6 or 7 years, I am free to do whatever I want, knowing that I worked hard to get there.
And I plan to work so hard, that when I finally have this pilot license, and when I finally work for QUANTAS, and when I'm sitting there with my Captain's badge, I will know that I've done the right thing with my life, and I won't regret anything.
I'm not stopping until I succeed.
Mitch made it to the 8th interview and gave up. That won't be me. I want it, I am willing to work for it. I will try, and try and try again until they accept me.
Well, at least, that's what I want for now.
Who knows what tomorrow may bring...
Another not-so-important thing.
I really have to pee.
It's just, become nothing to me. Pointless, time consuming, and unnecessary.
Frankly, I had just decided I had better things to do than ramble about my life on the internet. Who is annoying me this week, what I feel at that very moment. Hoping that someone will read it and feel sorry for me, or pay attention to me.
Though, I do miss it. This is where I came to let myself go, to write down what I needed to, and to make myself feel better. To be able to read it all later on, and try to understand exactly what I was feeling that time, though I never will.
For a while, I haven't been ranting to much on the internet for others to read. I've been ranting in private. Taking it out on myself, or whoever I happen to be talking to at that moment.
I've decided that was a really stupid idea. I realised that last night when I was fighting with my 'significant other' because I hadn't talked to them about what was bothering me, and just ignored them all together.
Relationship suicide.
So here I am again. I hope you didn't miss me too much.
I have just as much goss as always, though, I don't think all of it needs to go up here anymore. Maybe just the not-so-important stuff.
One not-so-important thing involves my attitude towards school and my future. I had a kind of epiphany the other night while I was laying in bed flicking through one of my brother's aircraft magazines.
My dream, is to be a pilot. It's just how I've always seen myself. I know I would be good at it, I know I would love it, I know it's what would be the perfect job for me. The freedom, the control, the appreciation, the honour, the concentration. I can see myself sitting in the cockpit, flying a plane, and knowing that I have done the right thing with my life.
Before that night, I had always seen myself as being a pilot. But I'd never understood the amount of effort and determination that actually required.
So there I was in bed, thinking about my future, and how I don't want to struggle or be miserable, or be regretting my childhood. And I researched the one thing that might be able to save me.
ADFA.
Australian Defence Force Academy.
I can go there, and train to be a fighter jet pilot. I get the training I need, I get the discipline that my life needs, I learn so much that I will never struggle with anything. And afer 6 or 7 years, I am free to do whatever I want, knowing that I worked hard to get there.
And I plan to work so hard, that when I finally have this pilot license, and when I finally work for QUANTAS, and when I'm sitting there with my Captain's badge, I will know that I've done the right thing with my life, and I won't regret anything.
I'm not stopping until I succeed.
Mitch made it to the 8th interview and gave up. That won't be me. I want it, I am willing to work for it. I will try, and try and try again until they accept me.
Well, at least, that's what I want for now.
Who knows what tomorrow may bring...
Another not-so-important thing.
I really have to pee.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Procrastination.
Of the serious kind.
It's our weekly admin lesson, I should be doing physics, considering it's due next period and I am yet to actually start it.
But hey, I can wing it.
I think.
I hope.
Maybe not.
.....I should go...
It's our weekly admin lesson, I should be doing physics, considering it's due next period and I am yet to actually start it.
But hey, I can wing it.
I think.
I hope.
Maybe not.
.....I should go...
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Friday =)
My weekend started with a big, loud BANG!
The bang of excitement. The bang of 4 girls tripping and falling down the stairs. The bang of the shower door as we realised he was in the shower. The bang of our door when they walked past while we were getting dressed. The bang of my ass as I hit the floor after tripping over a permanent marker.
Needless to say, Friday night was exactly what I needed.
Ashy Ray, Me, and Ally.
I can't describe really how much fun I had that night. All I know, is even though Ash and I weren't really all that keen, I'm so happy Sally dragged us along.
So happy.
Talking my mum into letting me sleep over at Ash's on Friday night, convincing Megan at work that I really was too sick to work the next morning.
Convincing Mitch and Jordan to bring us some alcohol...
Wearing one of Sally's beach shirts as a dress over my bikinis. Getting on stage and winning a 'bootie shaking' contest
.
Getting grinded on...not by any males....but by a female.
Having my ass pinched too the point where I lost count. Slipping on a permanent marker and flying into a group of happy dancers. Signing 'lick' across as many chests as I could find, including many of the boys.
Walking outside to find Mitch and Jordan standing under the light post like they said they would. Trying to find their car, only to be told they had stolen a ute to get to the dance for me.
Walking back to meet Lianna with her bags, Mitchell carrying 3 bags which included Passion Pop, Goon Sacks, all that cheap stuff.
Walking past the security guards trying not to make eye contact. Sneaking the bags into our overnight stuff without Ally's mum seeing.
Lianna diving on top of the bags as Ally's mum attempts to 'help' us carry our stuff. The clash of the bottles as she walks towards the car.
The vodka shots at Ash's house. Me sculling half a bottle of red wine because the others wanted to know what it tasted like. Mixing Passion Pop and orange juice into a drink that tasted like SEX.
Hearing a noise outside and sending her puppy out to investigate incase it was a robber wanting our drinks...
Attempting to bake cookies using Passion Pop as a subsitute for all the ingredients. My head feeling so heavy I couldn't get off the floor. Toby humping my face and hooking up with me, while the others laughed because I couldn't stand up. Prank calling anyone we could think of. Wanting to sneak out, but no one wanting to be the 'designated walker home' for us all.
Going to bed in Ash's room, sleeping on the floor in a pile of clothes. Waking up realising we had left a fair bit of evidence down stairs. Walking into the living room, trying to figure out exactly what happened that night. Because as it turns out, apparently we didn't like the way the furniture was set out, so we decided to rearrange the couches.
No one really remembering a whole lot about that night.
Scrubbing so hard to get the 'lick' off our boobs, only to find that it doesn't exactly come off.
Going to Ash's primary school fate, trying to cover out chests as much as possible. Getting sunburnt within the first hour. Walking past the police stance, feeling guilty, my bag still had both full and empty bottles.
Having a craving for water and hot chips, so that's what we spent all our money on.
Getting picked up at 2pm, thinking I could go home and sleep. Instead, being taken straight to Stafford City for grocery shopping. Looking like a whore because I hadn't taken my make up off, with scruffy hair, struggling to walk properly, headache. Trying to avoid work because I clearly hadn't been sick the night before. Worrying because my dad had thrown my bag into the boot, even though he had failed to hear the crash of the bottles against each other.
Getting home later to shower and clean myself. And hide my leftovers.
Ash has the rest at her house.
Apparently, eyes being bigger than your stomach goes for more than just foo
d.
Laughing at the fact that no one knew how hungover I was.
Crashing and getting the shits at everyone later that night. Falling asleep later than I would have hoped, and being dragged out of bed early Sunday morning.
Having to work, but being in the best mood once I was there. Being told that the new kid Matt likes me, and realising how obvious that was, and how slow I was. Seeing his face light up when I spoke to him, even though it was usually because I was paying him out.
Being the stereotypical 'young, blonde chick in Home Entertainment' who didn't know what she was doing for the first hour I was there. Because I actually didn't know what the hell I was doing. Everythig had changed since I was last there.
Working out the back with Fatty, organising a party at my house.
Skipping around, signing my contract finally. Getting picked up, accidently mentioning that I had seen Mitch on Friday night. Covering it up by saying it was because he was there to pick up a friend.
Staying up late watching movies.
Going for a 5 hour walk to a park with my beautiful girl. Getting her mum to drop me down the street from my house before my mum got home and realised I'd been gone all day.
Going over Friday night, every time, I remember something different about that night.
Yes, this weekend was exactly what I needed.
The bang of excitement. The bang of 4 girls tripping and falling down the stairs. The bang of the shower door as we realised he was in the shower. The bang of our door when they walked past while we were getting dressed. The bang of my ass as I hit the floor after tripping over a permanent marker.
Needless to say, Friday night was exactly what I needed.
Ashy Ray, Me, and Ally.
I can't describe really how much fun I had that night. All I know, is even though Ash and I weren't really all that keen, I'm so happy Sally dragged us along.
So happy.
Talking my mum into letting me sleep over at Ash's on Friday night, convincing Megan at work that I really was too sick to work the next morning.
Convincing Mitch and Jordan to bring us some alcohol...
Wearing one of Sally's beach shirts as a dress over my bikinis. Getting on stage and winning a 'bootie shaking' contest
.Getting grinded on...not by any males....but by a female.
Having my ass pinched too the point where I lost count. Slipping on a permanent marker and flying into a group of happy dancers. Signing 'lick' across as many chests as I could find, including many of the boys.
Walking outside to find Mitch and Jordan standing under the light post like they said they would. Trying to find their car, only to be told they had stolen a ute to get to the dance for me.
Walking back to meet Lianna with her bags, Mitchell carrying 3 bags which included Passion Pop, Goon Sacks, all that cheap stuff.
Walking past the security guards trying not to make eye contact. Sneaking the bags into our overnight stuff without Ally's mum seeing.
Lianna diving on top of the bags as Ally's mum attempts to 'help' us carry our stuff. The clash of the bottles as she walks towards the car.
The vodka shots at Ash's house. Me sculling half a bottle of red wine because the others wanted to know what it tasted like. Mixing Passion Pop and orange juice into a drink that tasted like SEX.
Hearing a noise outside and sending her puppy out to investigate incase it was a robber wanting our drinks...
Attempting to bake cookies using Passion Pop as a subsitute for all the ingredients. My head feeling so heavy I couldn't get off the floor. Toby humping my face and hooking up with me, while the others laughed because I couldn't stand up. Prank calling anyone we could think of. Wanting to sneak out, but no one wanting to be the 'designated walker home' for us all.
Going to bed in Ash's room, sleeping on the floor in a pile of clothes. Waking up realising we had left a fair bit of evidence down stairs. Walking into the living room, trying to figure out exactly what happened that night. Because as it turns out, apparently we didn't like the way the furniture was set out, so we decided to rearrange the couches.
No one really remembering a whole lot about that night.
Scrubbing so hard to get the 'lick' off our boobs, only to find that it doesn't exactly come off.
Going to Ash's primary school fate, trying to cover out chests as much as possible. Getting sunburnt within the first hour. Walking past the police stance, feeling guilty, my bag still had both full and empty bottles.
Having a craving for water and hot chips, so that's what we spent all our money on.
Getting picked up at 2pm, thinking I could go home and sleep. Instead, being taken straight to Stafford City for grocery shopping. Looking like a whore because I hadn't taken my make up off, with scruffy hair, struggling to walk properly, headache. Trying to avoid work because I clearly hadn't been sick the night before. Worrying because my dad had thrown my bag into the boot, even though he had failed to hear the crash of the bottles against each other.
Getting home later to shower and clean myself. And hide my leftovers.
Ash has the rest at her house.
Apparently, eyes being bigger than your stomach goes for more than just foo
d.Laughing at the fact that no one knew how hungover I was.
Crashing and getting the shits at everyone later that night. Falling asleep later than I would have hoped, and being dragged out of bed early Sunday morning.
Having to work, but being in the best mood once I was there. Being told that the new kid Matt likes me, and realising how obvious that was, and how slow I was. Seeing his face light up when I spoke to him, even though it was usually because I was paying him out.
Being the stereotypical 'young, blonde chick in Home Entertainment' who didn't know what she was doing for the first hour I was there. Because I actually didn't know what the hell I was doing. Everythig had changed since I was last there.
Working out the back with Fatty, organising a party at my house.
Skipping around, signing my contract finally. Getting picked up, accidently mentioning that I had seen Mitch on Friday night. Covering it up by saying it was because he was there to pick up a friend.
Staying up late watching movies.
Going for a 5 hour walk to a park with my beautiful girl. Getting her mum to drop me down the street from my house before my mum got home and realised I'd been gone all day.
Going over Friday night, every time, I remember something different about that night.
Yes, this weekend was exactly what I needed.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Makes me wanna laugh.
It's funny how they think they know me so well.
3 people know the real me. Niether of them are one of those 3 people.
Not even close.
And that's the way I like it.
I can't help but laugh though, at how much they think they know, how 'smart' they are. How they can get one thing right, and suddenly think they know me head to toe.
Please, it took them 3 months to find my belly button peircing. They don't know me at all.
They think they have me figured out. I'm just some stupid teenager succumbing to the pressure and trying desperately to fit in, right? I have no morals or values anymore, because I gave them all up trying to fit in. I don't do these things for me, I do them so that people can see how cool I am. I dramatise my entire life, because I want people to feel sorry for me. And I actually have a great life, and I've had a great up bringing.
That's me in a nutshell.
They're idiots.
I don't 'succumb' to anything. I do what I want, for me, no one else. I do what I think is fun, what I think I should be able to do, what I want to do. I have the will-power to turn things down if I really want to. I don't want people to think that I'm cool, I don't want people to see me as a try-hard. Because I'm not any of that.
I hate people feeling sorry for me. That's why I bottle everything up so much. How can I dramatise my life when I hardly speak to anyone about it? Even then, I leave things out. If anything, I make it sound better than it is. Because I hate people feeling like I need to be looked after, I hate people seeing me depressed, I hate people feeling sorry for me.
They have no right to accuse me of these things, when they know nothing about me.
They know nothing about their own daughter, their only daughter.
It's assumptions, and lucky guesses that are the only reason they know these small facts about me.
My favourite colour. My favourite animal. What school I go to. My middle name. My favourite food.
And that's really only because none of that has changed in about 4 years.
They don't know what I want to do when I leave school, or how I spell my first name.
Or what my favourite subject is. Who my closest friend is, where my favourite place to be is. Or where I usually am on Friday nights. What music I like. If I like any boys. What my favourite musical is. Where I like to read, what I spend all my money on, why I love taking photos, what my biggest phobia is, what my favourite fruit is, what my shoe size is.
They know so little, it makes me smile.
I hate looking at them, and knowing that they don't know me.
Knowing that they look at me, and see right through, or they only see what they want to see.
They talk to me, but they're not really talking to me, because they simply don't want to.
And it's obvious.
I know them so well.
Mums favourite colour is green, Dad's is blue.
Mum likes to take photos of the sky, and the beach, because they calm her down when she's stressed. Dad is obsessed with outer space and astronomy. Mum keeps $20 in the small pocket with her keys as emergency money. Dad, doesn't ever carry any money with him, ever.
Mum's favourite comedy talk-show dude is Stephen Colbert. And her favourite restaurant is Chillie's. Dad loves Better Off Ted, and Thai food.
Mum wears Madame Roches perfume and her favourite chocolate is Cadbury fruit and nut. Dad thankfully doesn't wear perfume, and he has a soft spot for white chocolate.
Mums hair colour is Tahiti, her eyes are green, she's a size 81/2 foot, she thinks she has a big head. Dads eyes are green, he has grey patches popping up here and there which he says 'adds character', his foot size is freakishly large and he has a wisdom tooth that sticks out the side of his gum.
I know everything from why mum has a squished coke can in her bottom draw, to why dad called his car Gus.
And I can look at them, and see exactly what they're thinking. I can predict what they're next step will be, what they're going to say to me next. Whether they're going to come into my room that night, or if they're going to sleep heavily. What time they're going to go to bed, and what time they're going to wake up.
And that's what makes it so easy to sneak around them.
Everything, all of it.
The fact that they don't know me at all, makes it so easy.
The fact that I know them so well, tells me exactly what to do to not get caught.
I know what night is best to sneak out, and what time is the best to leave. What the best time to get back home is.
And I know that they won't ever catch me, because I know them so much more than they know me.
They were still awake when I climbed out my window.
They had no idea.
3 people know the real me. Niether of them are one of those 3 people.
Not even close.
And that's the way I like it.
I can't help but laugh though, at how much they think they know, how 'smart' they are. How they can get one thing right, and suddenly think they know me head to toe.
Please, it took them 3 months to find my belly button peircing. They don't know me at all.
They think they have me figured out. I'm just some stupid teenager succumbing to the pressure and trying desperately to fit in, right? I have no morals or values anymore, because I gave them all up trying to fit in. I don't do these things for me, I do them so that people can see how cool I am. I dramatise my entire life, because I want people to feel sorry for me. And I actually have a great life, and I've had a great up bringing.
That's me in a nutshell.
They're idiots.
I don't 'succumb' to anything. I do what I want, for me, no one else. I do what I think is fun, what I think I should be able to do, what I want to do. I have the will-power to turn things down if I really want to. I don't want people to think that I'm cool, I don't want people to see me as a try-hard. Because I'm not any of that.
I hate people feeling sorry for me. That's why I bottle everything up so much. How can I dramatise my life when I hardly speak to anyone about it? Even then, I leave things out. If anything, I make it sound better than it is. Because I hate people feeling like I need to be looked after, I hate people seeing me depressed, I hate people feeling sorry for me.
They have no right to accuse me of these things, when they know nothing about me.
They know nothing about their own daughter, their only daughter.
It's assumptions, and lucky guesses that are the only reason they know these small facts about me.
My favourite colour. My favourite animal. What school I go to. My middle name. My favourite food.
And that's really only because none of that has changed in about 4 years.
They don't know what I want to do when I leave school, or how I spell my first name.
Or what my favourite subject is. Who my closest friend is, where my favourite place to be is. Or where I usually am on Friday nights. What music I like. If I like any boys. What my favourite musical is. Where I like to read, what I spend all my money on, why I love taking photos, what my biggest phobia is, what my favourite fruit is, what my shoe size is.
They know so little, it makes me smile.
I hate looking at them, and knowing that they don't know me.
Knowing that they look at me, and see right through, or they only see what they want to see.
They talk to me, but they're not really talking to me, because they simply don't want to.
And it's obvious.
I know them so well.
Mums favourite colour is green, Dad's is blue.
Mum likes to take photos of the sky, and the beach, because they calm her down when she's stressed. Dad is obsessed with outer space and astronomy. Mum keeps $20 in the small pocket with her keys as emergency money. Dad, doesn't ever carry any money with him, ever.
Mum's favourite comedy talk-show dude is Stephen Colbert. And her favourite restaurant is Chillie's. Dad loves Better Off Ted, and Thai food.
Mum wears Madame Roches perfume and her favourite chocolate is Cadbury fruit and nut. Dad thankfully doesn't wear perfume, and he has a soft spot for white chocolate.
Mums hair colour is Tahiti, her eyes are green, she's a size 81/2 foot, she thinks she has a big head. Dads eyes are green, he has grey patches popping up here and there which he says 'adds character', his foot size is freakishly large and he has a wisdom tooth that sticks out the side of his gum.
I know everything from why mum has a squished coke can in her bottom draw, to why dad called his car Gus.
And I can look at them, and see exactly what they're thinking. I can predict what they're next step will be, what they're going to say to me next. Whether they're going to come into my room that night, or if they're going to sleep heavily. What time they're going to go to bed, and what time they're going to wake up.
And that's what makes it so easy to sneak around them.
Everything, all of it.
The fact that they don't know me at all, makes it so easy.
The fact that I know them so well, tells me exactly what to do to not get caught.
I know what night is best to sneak out, and what time is the best to leave. What the best time to get back home is.
And I know that they won't ever catch me, because I know them so much more than they know me.
They were still awake when I climbed out my window.
They had no idea.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
FML
Today my teacher asked me in front of the class to "do up your top button..." (which i purposely and rebellingly leave open) and my bottom button (which i had forgoten to do up)...
she then proceeded to say "...you look like popping out of your clothes"
- call me fat much!
Everyone laughed
FML
she then proceeded to say "...you look like popping out of your clothes"
- call me fat much!
Everyone laughed
FML
FML
Today, I was sitting in SOR. Fun, yes I know.
Being bored and tired, I felt the need to yawn, so I did.
My growing back fat forced my bra to pop undone.
FML
Being bored and tired, I felt the need to yawn, so I did.
My growing back fat forced my bra to pop undone.
FML
FML
was sitting on the boys oval today.. bored as HEL... thinking to my self 'this is boring...'
i was suuure that i would remain bored when all of a sudden... who did i see!!!...
no other thaaan... Shannon noel!
now.. me being an idol fan... was very excited
HOWEVER.. that excitement was extinguished when i realised it was only a shannon noel look alike... a padua boy... seriously!...
RUIN MY LIFE
BUT on first glance he turned out to be quite cute from side view. my excitement returned.. *suspense*...
and then.. again.. as fast as it had come, IT WAS GONE!
becausee....
He turned around and he was just an average looking padua boy with a goatiee *sigh*
FML
i was suuure that i would remain bored when all of a sudden... who did i see!!!...
no other thaaan... Shannon noel!
now.. me being an idol fan... was very excited
HOWEVER.. that excitement was extinguished when i realised it was only a shannon noel look alike... a padua boy... seriously!...
RUIN MY LIFE
BUT on first glance he turned out to be quite cute from side view. my excitement returned.. *suspense*...
and then.. again.. as fast as it had come, IT WAS GONE!
becausee....
He turned around and he was just an average looking padua boy with a goatiee *sigh*
FML
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Will You Be There
Everyone's taking control of me,
Seems that the worlds
Got a role for me,
I'm so confused,
Will you show to me
You'll be there for me,
And care enough to bear me.
I don't think I deserve this.
I mean, I know the difference between right and wrong. I know there are some things that are just plain cruel. I know a lot of things about a lot of different people, just simply by looking at them.
Yes, in some ways, I judge.
But that's not how I see it. It's like a vibe I guess. I can just tell whether this person with worth my time, or worth anyones time. If they're going to hurt one of my friends because they're getting too close.
And yes, I choose to step in, to save people hurting. To look out for people.
Well I wanted you, I wanted no one else,
I thought it through, I got you to myself,
You got off everytime you got onto me,
And I got caught up in favourable slavery.
So, I'd say I have a fair idea on karma as well.
How someone can get what's coming to them. How revenge is horrible, but in some cases, it's acceptable if it means taking someone down a peg.
I know whether someone deserves to be treated the way they are, or if they deserve better than that, worse than that even.
I don't know if I'm making sense here.
No, it didn't matter what I tried,
It's just a little hard to leave when you're going down on me,
I guess I stuck around
So I could watch us fight for all the wrong reasons.
I know myself pretty well sometimes. I have a basic idea on who I am as a person, the kind of personality I have. Why I have the friends that I have, why they stick around me. I know what I need to change about myself, and what is fine just the way it is.
I don't intentionally hurt anyone, in fact, I spend every second on every day making sure I don't hurt anyone. I do what I know to be right, for myself, and for others.
That's why I know I don't deserve this.
I don't deserve to be treated like this, to be made to feel like everything is always my fault. To be used, over and over and over again.
I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,
Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in.
I could so easily turn this back around. Be the one to hurt you.
What have I ever done to you apart from be here? I'm here to listen to you, I'm your little punching bag when you're in a bad mood. I try to help you when you ask. I stay up into hours of the morning I never knew existed, just because you need to talk. I ignore you when you ask me to, even though you get angry at me for not talking. I'm always the first to say something, or to smile. And I still don't 'put enough effort in'. Umm, put enough effort into what exactly?
I was crying when I met you,
Now I'm trying to forget you.
I have so much I could hate you over. So many things I don't let get to me, because it hurts just too much.
I don't want to hate you. I want to be over you already. It won't stop.
I can't not want to be with you. There are times when I want nothing to do with you, when everything just becomes too much and I want it to stop. When I turn everything off, and ignore you for as long as I possibly can.
Turns out, that's only around 4 or so hours.
Why? Because I remember everything I love about. Your smile, your eyes, the way you make me feel.
That's why I can't get over you, no matter how hard I try.
Despite the fact that you have hurt me more times than you have made me feel happy.
I'm over the wall,
Over the hill,
Over at your place,
I'm over the safeties,
Over the phone calls,
Over the rage,
What a mistake.
I want the pain to stop.
But I don't want to take the steps to do that.
Seems that the worlds
Got a role for me,
I'm so confused,
Will you show to me
You'll be there for me,
And care enough to bear me.
I don't think I deserve this.
I mean, I know the difference between right and wrong. I know there are some things that are just plain cruel. I know a lot of things about a lot of different people, just simply by looking at them.
Yes, in some ways, I judge.
But that's not how I see it. It's like a vibe I guess. I can just tell whether this person with worth my time, or worth anyones time. If they're going to hurt one of my friends because they're getting too close.
And yes, I choose to step in, to save people hurting. To look out for people.
Well I wanted you, I wanted no one else,
I thought it through, I got you to myself,
You got off everytime you got onto me,
And I got caught up in favourable slavery.
So, I'd say I have a fair idea on karma as well.
How someone can get what's coming to them. How revenge is horrible, but in some cases, it's acceptable if it means taking someone down a peg.
I know whether someone deserves to be treated the way they are, or if they deserve better than that, worse than that even.
I don't know if I'm making sense here.
No, it didn't matter what I tried,
It's just a little hard to leave when you're going down on me,
I guess I stuck around
So I could watch us fight for all the wrong reasons.
I know myself pretty well sometimes. I have a basic idea on who I am as a person, the kind of personality I have. Why I have the friends that I have, why they stick around me. I know what I need to change about myself, and what is fine just the way it is.
I don't intentionally hurt anyone, in fact, I spend every second on every day making sure I don't hurt anyone. I do what I know to be right, for myself, and for others.
That's why I know I don't deserve this.
I don't deserve to be treated like this, to be made to feel like everything is always my fault. To be used, over and over and over again.
I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,
Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in.
I could so easily turn this back around. Be the one to hurt you.
What have I ever done to you apart from be here? I'm here to listen to you, I'm your little punching bag when you're in a bad mood. I try to help you when you ask. I stay up into hours of the morning I never knew existed, just because you need to talk. I ignore you when you ask me to, even though you get angry at me for not talking. I'm always the first to say something, or to smile. And I still don't 'put enough effort in'. Umm, put enough effort into what exactly?
I was crying when I met you,
Now I'm trying to forget you.
I have so much I could hate you over. So many things I don't let get to me, because it hurts just too much.
I don't want to hate you. I want to be over you already. It won't stop.
I can't not want to be with you. There are times when I want nothing to do with you, when everything just becomes too much and I want it to stop. When I turn everything off, and ignore you for as long as I possibly can.
Turns out, that's only around 4 or so hours.
Why? Because I remember everything I love about. Your smile, your eyes, the way you make me feel.
That's why I can't get over you, no matter how hard I try.
Despite the fact that you have hurt me more times than you have made me feel happy.
I'm over the wall,
Over the hill,
Over at your place,
I'm over the safeties,
Over the phone calls,
Over the rage,
What a mistake.
I want the pain to stop.
But I don't want to take the steps to do that.
I can take a hint.
Honestly.
Yeah, I would have preferred it if you had just talked to me or something. But I guess this works just as well, aye?
I've been blockkkkkkked.
Yeah, I would have preferred it if you had just talked to me or something. But I guess this works just as well, aye?
I've been blockkkkkkked.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Fading.
As teenagers, there comes a point when one has to really look at themselves, and decide who they are, and who they want to be.
Where they are, and where they want to go.
Everyone has dreams, and ambitions, and yeah, we all have a pretty fair idea about the kind of person we are, and all that jazz.
But have we wever really looked?
Have you ever looked at yourself the way someone else would, a friend, a stranger meeting you for the first time?
Have you ever thought about the kind of first impression that you're giving out? Or whether the things that you say really come out the way they sound in your head?
What about if someone starts to act differently around you. Have you ever thought that maybe it was you that changed, not the other person?
Cliche, maybe. But have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror?
I did, not long ago. I took a good hard look at myself in the mirror. I was trying to figure myself out. Who am I, really?
I'm not smart. I'm not popular. I'm not a particularly hard worker. I'm not skinny. I'm not sporty. I'm not ambitious. I'm not a stunner. I sometimes take things too far. I'm not a very family-orientated person. I'm not good with crowds. I need to be constantly reassured that my friends like me. I have anxiety issues when I'm alone. I'm scared of falling asleep sometimes. I'm insecure about my apprearance. I'm not confident. I don't have leadership qualities. I'm scared that if I don't do exactly what people want, then I'll lose them as 'friends'. I question my whole purpose. I need people to like me. I can't stay in a relationship. I push people away by holding them too close. I change the way I look so people will notice me.
I looked so hard at myself, and I didn't see anything.
I'm empty.
I'm fading.
Where they are, and where they want to go.
Everyone has dreams, and ambitions, and yeah, we all have a pretty fair idea about the kind of person we are, and all that jazz.
But have we wever really looked?
Have you ever looked at yourself the way someone else would, a friend, a stranger meeting you for the first time?
Have you ever thought about the kind of first impression that you're giving out? Or whether the things that you say really come out the way they sound in your head?
What about if someone starts to act differently around you. Have you ever thought that maybe it was you that changed, not the other person?
Cliche, maybe. But have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror?
I did, not long ago. I took a good hard look at myself in the mirror. I was trying to figure myself out. Who am I, really?
I'm not smart. I'm not popular. I'm not a particularly hard worker. I'm not skinny. I'm not sporty. I'm not ambitious. I'm not a stunner. I sometimes take things too far. I'm not a very family-orientated person. I'm not good with crowds. I need to be constantly reassured that my friends like me. I have anxiety issues when I'm alone. I'm scared of falling asleep sometimes. I'm insecure about my apprearance. I'm not confident. I don't have leadership qualities. I'm scared that if I don't do exactly what people want, then I'll lose them as 'friends'. I question my whole purpose. I need people to like me. I can't stay in a relationship. I push people away by holding them too close. I change the way I look so people will notice me.
I looked so hard at myself, and I didn't see anything.
I'm empty.
I'm fading.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
I told you!
I told you I didn't want your attention.
That's a lie.
I always want your attention, I always crave it.
I want to be around you, and to talk to you, and to hug you and know that you'll hug me back.
But I can't ever have that anymore.
I can't sit with you like we used to, I can't talk to you like we used to, I can't hug you because I know what's going to happen after that.
And I know that I'll regret it.
I hate that feeling. The feeling of regret. Knowing that you could have avoided the whole situation by just making one small change to something you did earlier. Cursing yourself because you didn't do that, because now it feels like you were asking for it.
Do you ever get that?
I can't help it. You think about that moment, for so long, it feels like you don't have anything else to think about...or you can't think about anything else.
You think about those steps that got you there in the first place. Why you were there to start with? What made you sit closer to them? What was it that possessed you to bring your face so close to theirs? How come, every fibre of your being was telling you to pull away, but you ignored it all?
These, these are the questions that haunt me.
What was I thinking?
I know what happens afterwards, I know the exact outcome. I know what's going to happen, before it happens, the entire time. And that's all I'm thinking about. How much I'm going to hurt in the end, and yet, I didn't pull away.
Nooo, I stayed there, curled into your arms, the place I always want to be, but knowing that I never really can stay.
Stop apologising to me, you've done nothing wrong.
It was all me. I could've stopped myself if I really wanted to. I guess, I don't listen to reason when I'm with you.
I did pull away.
At the end, after the damage had been done, after you had grabbed my heart and squeezed the life out of it, like you always do. I just wanted to go home.
I convinced you that you were tired and I should leave. And I did.
I didn't say goodnight to you, I didn't give you one last hug. I grabbed my stuff, and walked out your door, into the pitch black, into the freezing winds, into the trees that blocked your house from the road.
Was I too obvious?
Apparently.
Because you seem to know now, what I'm feeling.
You don't know why, but you feel the need to apologise.
So....your apology, isn't sincere then?
It can't be. If you don't know what it is that you're apologising for, how can you really mean it?
You don't, simple.
And that's what hurts.
That you don't really understand.
You'd think, if you truely wanted to figure it out, then you could, quite easily. Just by going over those moments, the things that were said.
You can pretty much get it straight out.
And it happens every time. Every time.
And still, I put myself into that position, to get hurt, again.
Why?
Because I will always want to be with you.
Maybe I don't pull away, because each time, I hope that it will have a different outcome. I hope that things will go a different way. I hope that you won't always bring her up to me.
Stupid, isn't it?
I should know better than to hope for the impossible.
That's why I need to stop.
I don't want this feeling anymore.
And I say that to myself every day. Every stinking day.
I don't like it, I don't want it.
Make it stop. Someone, please.
That's a lie.
I always want your attention, I always crave it.
I want to be around you, and to talk to you, and to hug you and know that you'll hug me back.
But I can't ever have that anymore.
I can't sit with you like we used to, I can't talk to you like we used to, I can't hug you because I know what's going to happen after that.
And I know that I'll regret it.
I hate that feeling. The feeling of regret. Knowing that you could have avoided the whole situation by just making one small change to something you did earlier. Cursing yourself because you didn't do that, because now it feels like you were asking for it.
Do you ever get that?
I can't help it. You think about that moment, for so long, it feels like you don't have anything else to think about...or you can't think about anything else.
You think about those steps that got you there in the first place. Why you were there to start with? What made you sit closer to them? What was it that possessed you to bring your face so close to theirs? How come, every fibre of your being was telling you to pull away, but you ignored it all?
These, these are the questions that haunt me.
What was I thinking?
I know what happens afterwards, I know the exact outcome. I know what's going to happen, before it happens, the entire time. And that's all I'm thinking about. How much I'm going to hurt in the end, and yet, I didn't pull away.
Nooo, I stayed there, curled into your arms, the place I always want to be, but knowing that I never really can stay.
Stop apologising to me, you've done nothing wrong.
It was all me. I could've stopped myself if I really wanted to. I guess, I don't listen to reason when I'm with you.
I did pull away.
At the end, after the damage had been done, after you had grabbed my heart and squeezed the life out of it, like you always do. I just wanted to go home.
I convinced you that you were tired and I should leave. And I did.
I didn't say goodnight to you, I didn't give you one last hug. I grabbed my stuff, and walked out your door, into the pitch black, into the freezing winds, into the trees that blocked your house from the road.
Was I too obvious?
Apparently.
Because you seem to know now, what I'm feeling.
You don't know why, but you feel the need to apologise.
So....your apology, isn't sincere then?
It can't be. If you don't know what it is that you're apologising for, how can you really mean it?
You don't, simple.
And that's what hurts.
That you don't really understand.
You'd think, if you truely wanted to figure it out, then you could, quite easily. Just by going over those moments, the things that were said.
You can pretty much get it straight out.
And it happens every time. Every time.
And still, I put myself into that position, to get hurt, again.
Why?
Because I will always want to be with you.
Maybe I don't pull away, because each time, I hope that it will have a different outcome. I hope that things will go a different way. I hope that you won't always bring her up to me.
Stupid, isn't it?
I should know better than to hope for the impossible.
That's why I need to stop.
I don't want this feeling anymore.
And I say that to myself every day. Every stinking day.
I don't like it, I don't want it.
Make it stop. Someone, please.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
I just wanna talk.
I need human contact!
gobblegobblegobblegobblegobblegobblegobblegobblegobblegobblegobblegobblegobble.
I want someone to talk to, someone to hang out with.
SOMEWHERE TO BE.
Attention.
But not from you.
No, really not from you.
Maybe, you can decide what you're doing with your life, then you can feel free to talk to me as much as you want. Once I know what you wanna do.
Until then, I actually don't have a whole lot of patience with you. I don't want to listen to whatever is 'hurting' you anymore. I don't want to waste my time helping you, and having it thrown back in my face, like I'm invisible to you.
Whatever is hurting you, is hurting me now.
gobblegobblegobblegobblegobblegobblegobblegobblegobblegobblegobblegobblegobble.
I want someone to talk to, someone to hang out with.
SOMEWHERE TO BE.
Attention.
But not from you.
No, really not from you.
Maybe, you can decide what you're doing with your life, then you can feel free to talk to me as much as you want. Once I know what you wanna do.
Until then, I actually don't have a whole lot of patience with you. I don't want to listen to whatever is 'hurting' you anymore. I don't want to waste my time helping you, and having it thrown back in my face, like I'm invisible to you.
Whatever is hurting you, is hurting me now.
Puddle of Mud.
Met a girl, though she was grand,
fell in love, found out first hand.
Went well for a week or two,
then it all came unglued.
In a trap, trip I can't grip,
never thought I'd be the one who'd slip.
Then I started to realise,
I was living one big lie.
She fucking hates me,
trust.
She fucking hates me,
la la la love.
I tried too hard,
and she tore my feelings like I had none,
and ripped them away.
She was queen for about an hour,
after that shit got sour.
She took all I ever had,
no sign of guilt,
no feeling of bad, no.
In a trap, trip I can't grip,
never thought I'd be the one who'd slip.
Then I started to realise,
I was living one big lie.
She fucking hates me,
trust.
She fucking hates me,
la la la love.
I tried too hard,
and she tore my feelings like I had none,
and ripped them away.
That's my story, as you can see,
learned my lesson and so did she.
Now it's over and I'm glad,
'cause I'm a fool for all I've said.
She fucking hates me,
trust.
She fucking hates me,
la la la love.
I tried too hard,
and she tore my feelings like I had none,
and ripped them away.
la la la la la la la la la love,
trust.
la la la la la la la la la love,
trust.
And she tore my feelings like I had none,
she fucking hates me.
Friday, September 25, 2009
STILL
YOU STILL TALK ABOUT IT.
IT'S STILL ALL YOU THINK ABOUT.
YOU SAY YOU'RE OVER THEM, YOU'RE NOT.
YOU REALLY, REALLY AREN'T.
YOU FOOLED ME BEFORE, BUT NOW I CAN SEE IT.
I actually believed that things were different. That you had finally started to see that you don't need to be with her.
How could I be so stupid?
It's so clear now. I can't believe I ever thought you were over her.
There's no way in hell that's happening, right?
And now I know.
I know there's no hope of you ever changing your mind about her.
I know that there's nothing I can do.
I know you won't ever be happy with someone else, no matter what you say.
So I can think more clearly now.
Are you worth my time anymore?
Well it's been sorted out.
I don't know how to explain how much I missed you.
We were fighting for no more than 2 days, and I felt so lost, it's not even funny.
It felt like I'd lost a part of myself. Like someone had ripped out a piece of my heart. Like someone had given me a sister, and taken her away from me.
It was horrible.
But now I have you back. I got my sister back :)
Things feel brighter.
I missed you.
Missed you with all my heart.
I love you beautiful.
We were fighting for no more than 2 days, and I felt so lost, it's not even funny.
It felt like I'd lost a part of myself. Like someone had ripped out a piece of my heart. Like someone had given me a sister, and taken her away from me.
It was horrible.
But now I have you back. I got my sister back :)
Things feel brighter.
I missed you.
Missed you with all my heart.
I love you beautiful.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
AHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
I didn't need to do it.
I didn't need to aplogise to you.
But I still did.
I sucked it up, and I said I was sorry. And I meant it.
I am sorry for the way I spoke to you, if I made you feel like shit. I'm sorry for the way I acted.
I didn't need to say I was sorry. I spoke to you a lot better than you spoke to me.
But I did it.
Why?
Because I fucking love you. And because I hate fighting with you.
You mean more to me than a lot of my other friends.
(I'm sorry)
And I miss you.
But you threw it all back in my face.
Didn't even look me in the eye, didn't even look at me in general.
You turned everything I said back against me. And even tried to make me feel worse.
Way to go babe, it worked.
I feel like shit.
The scar on my leg can prove it to you.
Eerie, isn't it?
The way it stares....
But it makes me smile, when I look at it. It made me smile when I did it.
God knows I need something to make me smile these days.
It was a lot worse, before.
I accidently scratched it.... I didn't realise until Matt told me there was blood on my ankle.
He told me it looked cool. I think so too.
Doesn't it?
You gotta admit that much.
I miss civilisation.
But I still did.
I sucked it up, and I said I was sorry. And I meant it.
I am sorry for the way I spoke to you, if I made you feel like shit. I'm sorry for the way I acted.
I didn't need to say I was sorry. I spoke to you a lot better than you spoke to me.
But I did it.
Why?
Because I fucking love you. And because I hate fighting with you.
You mean more to me than a lot of my other friends.
(I'm sorry)
And I miss you.
But you threw it all back in my face.
Didn't even look me in the eye, didn't even look at me in general.
You turned everything I said back against me. And even tried to make me feel worse.
Way to go babe, it worked.
I feel like shit.
The scar on my leg can prove it to you.
Eerie, isn't it?
The way it stares....
But it makes me smile, when I look at it. It made me smile when I did it.
God knows I need something to make me smile these days.
It was a lot worse, before.
I accidently scratched it.... I didn't realise until Matt told me there was blood on my ankle.
He told me it looked cool. I think so too.
Doesn't it?
You gotta admit that much.
I miss civilisation.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
I should've known.
I should've known I could never trust you. I don't know why I didn't realise it all before.
How could I be so stupid?
I'm so angry at myself.
Is this the first time you've broken my trust? Or are there other times? Times that I DIDN'T find out about.
I knew there was something about you that just didn't fit properly. I knew to always be careful around you. But still, I thought maybe I meant more to you than that. I thought maybe you'd treat me a little differently, a little better.
But no.
And that's why we're in this mess.
Because you fucked everything up.
How could you do this to me?
It was my biggest secret. The one thing that only a handful of people know about. I protect it with my life.
My biggest shame, my biggest embarassment, my biggest lie.
You knew all of that, you knew it all when I told you months ago about it. You knew I regretted it.
You knew I'd stopped.
You knew I hated myself.
How can you do this to me?
You told.
And of all the people.
You told her.
WHY?
You knew it would get out.
All weekend I've been wondering why they kept giving me funny looks, wondering why they weren't talking to me.
And I find out it's all because of you.
YOU'VE RUINED MY LIFE!
How many others have you told?
What other lies have you spread?
Why are you trying to break me?
You know what's going to happen next.
It's going to spread, it'll spread fast. And then what?
I'm ruined. My life is over.
All because of you.
I knew I couldn't trust you. I've been pulling away. Clearly, I didn't realise that soon enough.
What did I do to piss you off so bad that you had to go and do this?
Or was it just that you wanted some more attention?
You like the gossip.
All I wanted to know was why.
But when I asked, you got defensive.
I told you not to deny it. I know it was you. But you still tried.
And you only dug yourself a deeper hole. Because all you did was convince me that you don't care about me at all. You were just trying to cover your own ass.
You even threatened me.
Who do you think you are??
I never accused you of anything, all I did was ask. I was willing to believe whatever you told me. Believe that it wasn't you.
But you fucked that up.
You only convinced me otherwise.
I've never done anything to you. Only ever been here for you, been the friend that you wanted me to be.
You tried to turn it back on me last night. Like I was the one that had hurt you.
I'm sorry.
HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT WORK?
Thanks to you, I can never go back there, and look at them all the same way.
I can never talk to them all knowing that they all know.
I can never look at you again without wanting to scream.
Some big sister you turned out to be.
Thanks BABE.
And you. You aren't any better.
I turned to you for help last night, while I was being yelled at, threatened, while I had people constantly in my face, "is it true? is it true??"
And what did you do?
You found a way to make everything my fault as well.
Everyone always does.
Then what?
You didn't know why I started ignoring you?
Why I wasn't answering your calls?
Right... You'd done nothing wrong.
I mean, all you did was blame me for getting myself into this mess. You didn't want to help me.
Well, whatever.
Fuck you both.
How about I just quit?
Then you'll never have to deal with me or my 'immature' shit ever again.
I swear, sometimes I wonder why I ever bothered with either of you.
I clearly don't mean a whole lot to you both. Why should you mean anything to me?
"Friendship over."
"WHAT FRIENDSHIP?"
How could I be so stupid?
I'm so angry at myself.
Is this the first time you've broken my trust? Or are there other times? Times that I DIDN'T find out about.
I knew there was something about you that just didn't fit properly. I knew to always be careful around you. But still, I thought maybe I meant more to you than that. I thought maybe you'd treat me a little differently, a little better.
But no.
And that's why we're in this mess.
Because you fucked everything up.
How could you do this to me?
It was my biggest secret. The one thing that only a handful of people know about. I protect it with my life.
My biggest shame, my biggest embarassment, my biggest lie.
You knew all of that, you knew it all when I told you months ago about it. You knew I regretted it.
You knew I'd stopped.
You knew I hated myself.
How can you do this to me?
You told.
And of all the people.
You told her.
WHY?
You knew it would get out.
All weekend I've been wondering why they kept giving me funny looks, wondering why they weren't talking to me.
And I find out it's all because of you.
YOU'VE RUINED MY LIFE!
How many others have you told?
What other lies have you spread?
Why are you trying to break me?
You know what's going to happen next.
It's going to spread, it'll spread fast. And then what?
I'm ruined. My life is over.
All because of you.
I knew I couldn't trust you. I've been pulling away. Clearly, I didn't realise that soon enough.
What did I do to piss you off so bad that you had to go and do this?
Or was it just that you wanted some more attention?
You like the gossip.
All I wanted to know was why.
But when I asked, you got defensive.
I told you not to deny it. I know it was you. But you still tried.
And you only dug yourself a deeper hole. Because all you did was convince me that you don't care about me at all. You were just trying to cover your own ass.
You even threatened me.
Who do you think you are??
I never accused you of anything, all I did was ask. I was willing to believe whatever you told me. Believe that it wasn't you.
But you fucked that up.
You only convinced me otherwise.
I've never done anything to you. Only ever been here for you, been the friend that you wanted me to be.
You tried to turn it back on me last night. Like I was the one that had hurt you.
I'm sorry.
HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT WORK?
Thanks to you, I can never go back there, and look at them all the same way.
I can never talk to them all knowing that they all know.
I can never look at you again without wanting to scream.
Some big sister you turned out to be.
Thanks BABE.
And you. You aren't any better.
I turned to you for help last night, while I was being yelled at, threatened, while I had people constantly in my face, "is it true? is it true??"
And what did you do?
You found a way to make everything my fault as well.
Everyone always does.
Then what?
You didn't know why I started ignoring you?
Why I wasn't answering your calls?
Right... You'd done nothing wrong.
I mean, all you did was blame me for getting myself into this mess. You didn't want to help me.
Well, whatever.
Fuck you both.
How about I just quit?
Then you'll never have to deal with me or my 'immature' shit ever again.
I swear, sometimes I wonder why I ever bothered with either of you.
I clearly don't mean a whole lot to you both. Why should you mean anything to me?
"Friendship over."
"WHAT FRIENDSHIP?"
Friday, September 18, 2009
Let's sum it up.
It started with a bang.
Thursday:
School. Really didn't wanna go, but I was going to Chermside with Ally and Ray afterwards.
My decision was made.
It started out awesome. We had fun, tried on clothes, went bikini shopping. Oh yeah, Ally got her belly button pierced, and Ray got her nose done.
Highlight of my week, watching them squirm.
Thursday night:
It was 6:29pm. I was late for work already. Only just having got home thanks to the asshole of a bus.
In my haste to get changed, I had forgotten to take my belly button bar out, on the odd chance that mum checks it, seeing as I was out at Essential Beauty all afternoon.
...she checked it.
Jokingly, of course. Like she was 100% certain there would be nothing there.
The first thing I said?
"What are the odds?"
I then followed that by laughing hysterically at her, exclaiming that I couldn't believe it took her 3 months to find it.
....Not my smartest idea.
She slapped me.
Hard.
6:35pm - I had to call work and tell them I couldn't come in.
6:40pm - I was having my ass kicked verbally for God knows how long.
She told me I was fucked, I already knew that.
No job, no choir, no singing, no America, no freedom, nothing. She was ending everything for me.
I wasn't upset, I wasn't angry. I wasn't regretting what I'd done.
I found it funny that my mum refused to accept the fact that she hadn't noticed it for 3 months.
She cooled down a fair bit. Said it suited me. Didn't tell me to take it out.
Which is good, cuz I wasn't planning to anyway.
She got on the phone to my dad.
I started to hyperventilate, seriously.
He's the kind of person who would rip it out. Who would physically beat me, he's done it before.
If I wasn't upset before, I was now.
I was planning to run away. My buttercup was going to take me in, her mum knows all about my parents.
My bag was packed, my note was written.
The note clearly implying that I was going to kill myself, in the hope that it might reduce the search for me.
Buttercup convinced me to stay in bed. She started crying, because she was worried for me. She told me to wait it out, see what happens, try talking to my dad.
That scared me.
But I promised to wait.
Friday:
I woke up to the loud bang as my mum threw my door open at 5:36am.
I know that because I freaked out thinking I was running late for school and checked my phone, which, thank God, was still on my bedside table.
But no, she was just pissed.
I showered, and got ready like normal. My packed bag still under my bed.
We got into a fight. I'd waited the night like I promised, and nothing improved. I wanted to get out.
I tried to leave, to walk to school like I usually do when we fight. But this time she stopped me.
She told me that if I left the school today, she would know, and it wouldn't end well. Ha, she really doesn't know me at all.
I want to be free bad enough, there's no way in hell she'll ever find me.
I was planning on not coming home this afternoon. I dunno where I was planning to go, but anywhere is better.
It was 8:25am. My bag was on the bench.
My mum decided to search it. She found it all, and realised what I had planned.
The shit hit the fan.
Lucky I took my cruiser out of the bag....
We fought again, left for school at 8:35am.
She emptied my bag, left me with a sandwhich, camera and my pants.
Dad called me during the concert today. To make sure that I was at school.
I answered just as everyone was cheering.
Suss much?
Tonight:
I got home, and went to my room, I stayed there for a while, on the phone.
I was so scared, my dad was coming home. I didn't know what to do.
I wanted to leave, to get out before he arrived, to make sure I was no where near him. I didn't want him to hit me like usual.
He came home, didn't speak to me, didn't touch me.
Talked to my mum for hours.
They called me out. Expecting a beating, I'd been preparing myself mentally for it. I'd been preparing myself so that I wouldn't cry, I wasn't going to give them that.
But no.
We talked, they told me they were disappointed. I never said "I'm sorry", because I'm not.
I don't regret it. I'm happy with it.
They told me they couldn't trust me, and I don't ever expect them to again. It didn't bother me.
They grounded me.....for 2 weeks.
Yes, 2 whole weeks.
I went from having to quit my job, quit singing, quit choir, quit the America tour. Being under house arrest. No phone. No money. No freedom.
I went from all of that.
To 2 weeks being grounded, with no savings card.
...they're kidding, right?
No. They're dead serious.
I'm honestly, so happy I could cry.
I'm so relieved, it's just, amazing.
To everyone. I love you all so much.
I don't know what I'd do without you. All day, this was all I was thinking about. If you hadn't been there with me, I might have left the school, I mightn't have ever come back.
Thankyou so much.
I was beyond the point of rational thinking, but you guys took care of me.
And I can't ever repay any of you.
Thankyou for everything.
I love you.
xxo
Thursday:
School. Really didn't wanna go, but I was going to Chermside with Ally and Ray afterwards.
My decision was made.
It started out awesome. We had fun, tried on clothes, went bikini shopping. Oh yeah, Ally got her belly button pierced, and Ray got her nose done.
Highlight of my week, watching them squirm.
Thursday night:
It was 6:29pm. I was late for work already. Only just having got home thanks to the asshole of a bus.
In my haste to get changed, I had forgotten to take my belly button bar out, on the odd chance that mum checks it, seeing as I was out at Essential Beauty all afternoon.
...she checked it.
Jokingly, of course. Like she was 100% certain there would be nothing there.
The first thing I said?
"What are the odds?"
I then followed that by laughing hysterically at her, exclaiming that I couldn't believe it took her 3 months to find it.
....Not my smartest idea.
She slapped me.
Hard.
6:35pm - I had to call work and tell them I couldn't come in.
6:40pm - I was having my ass kicked verbally for God knows how long.
She told me I was fucked, I already knew that.
No job, no choir, no singing, no America, no freedom, nothing. She was ending everything for me.
I wasn't upset, I wasn't angry. I wasn't regretting what I'd done.
I found it funny that my mum refused to accept the fact that she hadn't noticed it for 3 months.
She cooled down a fair bit. Said it suited me. Didn't tell me to take it out.
Which is good, cuz I wasn't planning to anyway.
She got on the phone to my dad.
I started to hyperventilate, seriously.
He's the kind of person who would rip it out. Who would physically beat me, he's done it before.
If I wasn't upset before, I was now.
I was planning to run away. My buttercup was going to take me in, her mum knows all about my parents.
My bag was packed, my note was written.
The note clearly implying that I was going to kill myself, in the hope that it might reduce the search for me.
Buttercup convinced me to stay in bed. She started crying, because she was worried for me. She told me to wait it out, see what happens, try talking to my dad.
That scared me.
But I promised to wait.
Friday:
I woke up to the loud bang as my mum threw my door open at 5:36am.
I know that because I freaked out thinking I was running late for school and checked my phone, which, thank God, was still on my bedside table.
But no, she was just pissed.
I showered, and got ready like normal. My packed bag still under my bed.
We got into a fight. I'd waited the night like I promised, and nothing improved. I wanted to get out.
I tried to leave, to walk to school like I usually do when we fight. But this time she stopped me.
She told me that if I left the school today, she would know, and it wouldn't end well. Ha, she really doesn't know me at all.
I want to be free bad enough, there's no way in hell she'll ever find me.
I was planning on not coming home this afternoon. I dunno where I was planning to go, but anywhere is better.
It was 8:25am. My bag was on the bench.
My mum decided to search it. She found it all, and realised what I had planned.
The shit hit the fan.
Lucky I took my cruiser out of the bag....
We fought again, left for school at 8:35am.
She emptied my bag, left me with a sandwhich, camera and my pants.
Dad called me during the concert today. To make sure that I was at school.
I answered just as everyone was cheering.
Suss much?
Tonight:
I got home, and went to my room, I stayed there for a while, on the phone.
I was so scared, my dad was coming home. I didn't know what to do.
I wanted to leave, to get out before he arrived, to make sure I was no where near him. I didn't want him to hit me like usual.
He came home, didn't speak to me, didn't touch me.
Talked to my mum for hours.
They called me out. Expecting a beating, I'd been preparing myself mentally for it. I'd been preparing myself so that I wouldn't cry, I wasn't going to give them that.
But no.
We talked, they told me they were disappointed. I never said "I'm sorry", because I'm not.
I don't regret it. I'm happy with it.
They told me they couldn't trust me, and I don't ever expect them to again. It didn't bother me.
They grounded me.....for 2 weeks.
Yes, 2 whole weeks.
I went from having to quit my job, quit singing, quit choir, quit the America tour. Being under house arrest. No phone. No money. No freedom.
I went from all of that.
To 2 weeks being grounded, with no savings card.
...they're kidding, right?
No. They're dead serious.
I'm honestly, so happy I could cry.
I'm so relieved, it's just, amazing.
To everyone. I love you all so much.
I don't know what I'd do without you. All day, this was all I was thinking about. If you hadn't been there with me, I might have left the school, I mightn't have ever come back.
Thankyou so much.
I was beyond the point of rational thinking, but you guys took care of me.
And I can't ever repay any of you.
Thankyou for everything.
I love you.
xxo
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Photo whoring.
Chermside. Allybabe. Hideous Myer Clothes.
Missing The Bus. Unfit. Belly Bar. Red Rooster.Shopping.
SO FUN!
I should be doing my chemisty.
"Yeah, don't worry mum. Only one more paragraph and I'm finished."
....2 hours later, and I'm still on facebook.
I've written extra 2 words.
LOOK!
Kinda made me want to give him a piece of the chocolate I was eating.
Today was a good day.
I really had a lot of fun. And apparently I was fun to be around today as well. So they kept saying.
Who got to ride the army trucks??
WE DID!
Charming photo, I know.
YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS!
That army guy, I can't remember his name, the hot one. Had the BEST tatoo. I saw the bottom of it, around his wrist, and said it looked cool. So he pulled the sleeve up to show me the rest of it.
I'm sure the tatoo was cool. But I'm sorry, he showed me his biceps and I couldn't care less about what was painted on them. ;)
Anyway, I was playing with the guns, and he was showing me how. Turns out, I was doing a pretty good job apparently, cuz he pulls out a land machine gun and takes the stand off it.
SO I GOT TO USE THAT ONE TOO
It was like, my size!
And apparently I did that really well too.
Aww yeah, it's called skillage.
You know what?
Life is fun once you stop thinking.
It's too hard.
It's too hard to ignore you, to be mad at you.
I can't do it.
I can't look at your face and stay angry. Or hear your voice and not acknowledge it.
I can't do it.
No matter how much I want to. Or how much I think you deserve it. How much it hurts to keep talking to you.
I have to do it.
I have to keep you.
I can't do it.
I can't look at your face and stay angry. Or hear your voice and not acknowledge it.
I can't do it.
No matter how much I want to. Or how much I think you deserve it. How much it hurts to keep talking to you.
I have to do it.
I have to keep you.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Moving on.
I don't fucking like you anymore.
I don't want to be with you, or spend anymore fucking time with you.
I'm tired was wasting my time.
I'm tired of being treated like fucking nothing.
Go back to her.
I hope you work it all out, and have lots of babies, and live happily ever after.
I hope she treats you fucking well, because apparently I'm the only one who knows that she won't.
I hope you have fun with her, because you sure as fucking hell won't be hearing from me ever fucking again.
I knew this would fucking happen.
It's not that much of a suprise really, and still, I can't fucking beleive it.
I treated you so well, I did everything for you. I gave up so much for you. Spent my nights talking to you. Not studying, not doing assignments, not talking to my friends. No, I was fucking up late talking to you...and having to listen to you talk about her.
Well I hope you're happy now.
I spent months being here for you, being the one that you could rely on, being EVERYTHING YOU EVER FUCKING NEEDED.
And this is what happens?
You go back to the one person in your life that was the reason you were so miserable to start with.
You go back to her, you have no more reason to talk to me.
I was here to listen to you bitch and complain. If you're back with her, there's nothing left to complain about is there?
There's no reason for me to even fucking be around.
I hope it really does work out.
I hope she makes you feel special and cared for, just like you always said I did.
Who knows.
Maybe it won't work out with you two.
Then you can come back to me.
Just like everyone else aye. You need me when things aren't going PERFECTLY, but the second something good starts to happen, I can just piss off, right?
You don't really need me, or like me, or want to be with me. You need the attention, you like the attention, you want to be with the one who will give you the most attention.
And she's gotta be giving you plenty of fucking attention now, otherwise you might have fucking replied to me by now.
It doesn't take a whole lot to reply to a text, or answer a phone.
Guess she's giving you enough attention for the both of us. You don't need mine anymore.
Long as you're happy BABE.
Someday you might actually realise that when I gave you my attention, it was my FULL attention, and it was fucking sincere.
Unlike you.
So fuck you.
You've done this to me too many times now, this is where it stops.
This is where I draw the line.
I can only cry so much over you, and I'm way over my fucking limit.
Now I can't let myself cry again until next year. Thanks a fucking heap.
You don't care anyway though, right?
You've got her back, you couldn't give a shit about me.
Well don't stress. I'm happy she's back in your life. I'm happy you're working things out.
Maybe when you tell her that you like her, you'll actually mean it. Maybe when you say you want to be with her, you'll actually mean it.
Cuz you sure as fucking hell didn't mean it to me.
And I can't believe I ever let myself believe any of it.
I hope you get married, and have lots of babies, and live in a nice big house on the beach.
Cuz I'm fucking over you.
I don't want to be with you, or spend anymore fucking time with you.
I'm tired was wasting my time.
I'm tired of being treated like fucking nothing.
Go back to her.
I hope you work it all out, and have lots of babies, and live happily ever after.
I hope she treats you fucking well, because apparently I'm the only one who knows that she won't.
I hope you have fun with her, because you sure as fucking hell won't be hearing from me ever fucking again.
I knew this would fucking happen.
It's not that much of a suprise really, and still, I can't fucking beleive it.
I treated you so well, I did everything for you. I gave up so much for you. Spent my nights talking to you. Not studying, not doing assignments, not talking to my friends. No, I was fucking up late talking to you...and having to listen to you talk about her.
Well I hope you're happy now.
I spent months being here for you, being the one that you could rely on, being EVERYTHING YOU EVER FUCKING NEEDED.
And this is what happens?
You go back to the one person in your life that was the reason you were so miserable to start with.
You go back to her, you have no more reason to talk to me.
I was here to listen to you bitch and complain. If you're back with her, there's nothing left to complain about is there?
There's no reason for me to even fucking be around.
I hope it really does work out.
I hope she makes you feel special and cared for, just like you always said I did.
Who knows.
Maybe it won't work out with you two.
Then you can come back to me.
Just like everyone else aye. You need me when things aren't going PERFECTLY, but the second something good starts to happen, I can just piss off, right?
You don't really need me, or like me, or want to be with me. You need the attention, you like the attention, you want to be with the one who will give you the most attention.
And she's gotta be giving you plenty of fucking attention now, otherwise you might have fucking replied to me by now.
It doesn't take a whole lot to reply to a text, or answer a phone.
Guess she's giving you enough attention for the both of us. You don't need mine anymore.
Long as you're happy BABE.
Someday you might actually realise that when I gave you my attention, it was my FULL attention, and it was fucking sincere.
Unlike you.
So fuck you.
You've done this to me too many times now, this is where it stops.
This is where I draw the line.
I can only cry so much over you, and I'm way over my fucking limit.
Now I can't let myself cry again until next year. Thanks a fucking heap.
You don't care anyway though, right?
You've got her back, you couldn't give a shit about me.
Well don't stress. I'm happy she's back in your life. I'm happy you're working things out.
Maybe when you tell her that you like her, you'll actually mean it. Maybe when you say you want to be with her, you'll actually mean it.
Cuz you sure as fucking hell didn't mean it to me.
And I can't believe I ever let myself believe any of it.
I hope you get married, and have lots of babies, and live in a nice big house on the beach.
Cuz I'm fucking over you.
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