I told you!

I told you I didn't want your attention.

That's a lie.
I always want your attention, I always crave it.
I want to be around you, and to talk to you, and to hug you and know that you'll hug me back.
But I can't ever have that anymore.
I can't sit with you like we used to, I can't talk to you like we used to, I can't hug you because I know what's going to happen after that.
And I know that I'll regret it.

I hate that feeling. The feeling of regret. Knowing that you could have avoided the whole situation by just making one small change to something you did earlier. Cursing yourself because you didn't do that, because now it feels like you were asking for it.
Do you ever get that?

I can't help it. You think about that moment, for so long, it feels like you don't have anything else to think about...or you can't think about anything else.
You think about those steps that got you there in the first place. Why you were there to start with? What made you sit closer to them? What was it that possessed you to bring your face so close to theirs? How come, every fibre of your being was telling you to pull away, but you ignored it all?
These, these are the questions that haunt me.

What was I thinking?
I know what happens afterwards, I know the exact outcome. I know what's going to happen, before it happens, the entire time. And that's all I'm thinking about. How much I'm going to hurt in the end, and yet, I didn't pull away.
Nooo, I stayed there, curled into your arms, the place I always want to be, but knowing that I never really can stay.

Stop apologising to me, you've done nothing wrong.
It was all me. I could've stopped myself if I really wanted to. I guess, I don't listen to reason when I'm with you.

I did pull away.
At the end, after the damage had been done, after you had grabbed my heart and squeezed the life out of it, like you always do. I just wanted to go home.
I convinced you that you were tired and I should leave. And I did.
I didn't say goodnight to you, I didn't give you one last hug. I grabbed my stuff, and walked out your door, into the pitch black, into the freezing winds, into the trees that blocked your house from the road.
Was I too obvious?
Apparently.
Because you seem to know now, what I'm feeling.
You don't know why, but you feel the need to apologise.
So....your apology, isn't sincere then?
It can't be. If you don't know what it is that you're apologising for, how can you really mean it?
You don't, simple.

And that's what hurts.
That you don't really understand.

You'd think, if you truely wanted to figure it out, then you could, quite easily. Just by going over those moments, the things that were said.
You can pretty much get it straight out.
And it happens every time. Every time.
And still, I put myself into that position, to get hurt, again.

Why?
Because I will always want to be with you.
Maybe I don't pull away, because each time, I hope that it will have a different outcome. I hope that things will go a different way. I hope that you won't always bring her up to me.
Stupid, isn't it?
I should know better than to hope for the impossible.

That's why I need to stop.
I don't want this feeling anymore.
And I say that to myself every day. Every stinking day.

I don't like it, I don't want it.
Make it stop. Someone, please.