Stupid, stupid, stupid.

You know, I just spent an hour writing this blog. And then deleted it.
Then wrote some more, differently, and deleted that too.

I don't know what to write.
I know what I want to say, and I know what I feel.
But I don't know how to word any of it.

I wrote about anticipation and torture. About friendships and emotions.

But none of what I wrote sounded right to me.
It got to the point where I had to get up and walk away, just to think.

I just deleted a whole other paragraph too.
I've decided that I don't even know if I'm sure what I feel anymore.

I can try to word it I guess.
I feel lonely, dependent, scared, curious, unwanted.
I feel like all I want to do right now is call you and cry.
And I feel like you'd hang up on me.
I feel like I should text you and ask for help.
But I feel like if I did, you wouldn't reply.
I feel like there's something that you're keeping from me, and I feel like it's because it's something to do with me.
I feel like I've become too attached to you, that it hurts.
I feel like you don't want to be around me anymore.

I feel like the one person in my life that I want to talk to the most right now, doesn't want to talk to me.
And that only makes things worse.

AWW YEAAAHHH

Guess who finally got the guts to get it done!!

Jealous much?

Despite the fact that I'm TOTALLY screwed if it is discovered.

I'm actually really happy that I got this done.

After 2 years of begging and getting no where, I've decided to fuck them all and do it anyway.

Totally worth it.

Suprise.

I love it when people suprise me.
Not in the whole..."BOO!" type way. I just about have a heart attack when people do that to me.
Shutup.

But I love it in the sense that they do something I wasn't expecting them to do.
Something they do to better themselves, or help someone. Even if it's just a matter of them saying something deep and meaningful that I never really expected them to say.

For instance.
I recently recieved a message from a close friend.

It seems that I underestimated you...
No, I wasn't expecting you to do that. I wasn't expecting anything that deep, or anything that thought through.
I really never expected you to be that kind of person.
That wasn't meant to sound mean.

You know how when you first meet someone, you're automatically given that first impression of them?
Don't deny it, everyone gets that.
And you judge them based on that impression.
And no matter what, how close you get to that person. Even if you end up being the best of friends. That first impression that you made will always stick with you.
And that's why this person will constantly suprise you.

That's why, when I got this message... I kinda freaked.
My first impression of you, was that you were not deep, you were not meaning.
I never thought that you would care so much about your friends, or do so much for them.
I guess, in a way, I saw you as a kind of loner.
But, you're not that.
You love being with people, you hate being alone.

I've learnt so much more about you, and yet you continue to suprise me.

I never thought that you could say something so thought through, from the heart.
I never thought that you would be one to care what people thought of you.
I never thought I would actually be able to be your friend.
I actually never thought you cared so much about your school work.

And now look.
We're so close, it's kinda wierd.
I keep thinking I know everything about you, but I don't.
There's always something new I'm learning about you. About your values and morals, and general interests.
You're a hard worker, and you really do show it.

I guess. Don't stop suprising me.
I like it.

The 19th of July, 2009

Holds many new meanings for me.
New memories.

No sir, that day was not just another ordinary day.
At least, not to me.

I came home in a good mood, knowing that although I might have just fucked my life up, and mentally preparing myself for the punishment that is probably not too far away.
Depending on my ability to be sneaky.
Despite all that, there was something that just made me want to smile.
I guess, I was just happy.
Happy I had the guts, maybe. Happy I think I look hot, maybe. Happy that Kristy was there with me, most likely.
I don't think I can thank you enough Kristy. But just having you there made me feel better about what I was doing.
So thankyou.
...you look hot too.

Change.

Our lives are full of change.
Everday we make new decisions, change our mind, realise greater things and follow them.

There's change in our family.
A new family member, or loss of a family member.
Moving house.
Moving in, moving out.
Realising that you no longer love your parents/brother/sister as much as you used to.

There is change in your school life.
Change of subjects.
Of friendship groups.
Of classes.
Of teachers.
Change of the uniform.
A new timetable.

There's change in yourself.
New hair, clothes, appearance.
Change in personality.
Change in interests.
Or in possessions.
Or in sexuality.
You can change your mind about something/someone.

You can't go one day without change.
Drastic or not.
Noticeable or not.
Good or bad.

When someone you are very close to starts to change, it shows dramatically.
It can be good or bad.
For the right reasons or the wrong ones.
If it's bad, do you want to stay that close to them?
What if it's not something about themselves that they change, but if they're making the wrong decision?
Do you stick with them, despite your own feelings towards it. Do you try to talk them out of it, and show them your point of view. Or do you just simply ditch them?
Are they that important, that you will bother with the effort of trying to turn them around, even when their mind is set?

I hate change.
I quit my swimming club because of that very reason.
It started to change. The pool, the people, the committee.
So I left, I couldn't cope.
Good idea? I thought so at the time.

I didn't give the new people a chance. I didn't bother to get to know the committee, or even try swimming in the new pool.
I assumed that the coach was going to be horrible. I thought too many changes would be made for no reason.
So I just up and left one day.
No goodbye, it wasn't worth it.

It was one of my biggest mistakes.

I miss it.
I miss the way I was so thin, so fit.
I miss the way it meant I was allowed to shower 2 times a day.
I miss making new friends, meeting new people, and having fun.
I miss the marshalling, the time keeping, the broken records.
I miss having something that I could call a talent.
I miss the way the water felt as my hand sliced through with every stroke.
I miss the way diving into a perfectly flat bed of water made me feel so alive.
I miss the way I used to have to dive in while holding my togs up, so that my boobs didn't 'pop' out.
I miss the way I could hold my breath for more than one lap.
I miss the way I could swim 50m in 18 seconds.
I miss always being scared of hitting my head for my tumble in backstroke.
I miss counting the strokes before the end for that reason.
I miss looking up for a split second while I breathe, and seeing everyone cheering me.
I miss looking beneath me, and seeing the lines at the bottom moving so fast as I go.
I miss faking a headache so I wouldn't have to do butterfly.
I miss the way wearing flippers made me feel almost invincible.
I miss the way I was always the fastest kicker.
I miss how it made my arm muscles so huge.
I miss how my goggles used to fill up with water, so eventually I was just like, 'fuck it' and never wore them again.
I miss the chlorine stinging my eyes.
I miss the haze that the world got once I was out.
I miss how it felt like my nails had grown.
I miss bomb-diving during races.
I miss the way walking always felt wrong.
I miss the way it refreshed me.
I miss the way I could hop out at the end of our session and know that I worked hard.
I miss the way everyone knew my name.

It's changed, I know.
But I miss it more than ever.

So that's what I'm talking about.
Let's say someone I'm very close to, someone I can trust with my life and they can trust me with theirs.
Someone who knows all my secrets, and who tells me all of theirs.
Someone I can talk to for hours with it only feeling like minutes.
Someone who has been so miserable for months now, about something personal to them.
Someone who doesn't let that misery show, ever.
Someone who asks for my help, but ignores it.
What if they decided that the one way to make them happy, would be to resort back to something they didn't want.
What if it made sense to them, but not to me.
What if I know they're making the wrong decision, but I don't know what to say?

What about if they aren't sure what they want. But are making this wrong deicison because they're tired of not knowing?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

Well, I do actually.
I'm not making the same mistake, like with my swimming.
I know, what the hell does my own swimming club have to do with this?
It's simple.
I gave up on my swimming club.
But I'm not giving up on you.

Even if you think you've made up your mind, and think that you're making the right choice.
I know you too well.
I know that you don't really want to do this, no matter what you say.
So I guess, I'm not letting you do this.
I'm here for you to talk to, and I'm here to help you.
To turn you around.

And I will turn you around.
I hate you being so miserable. But doing this won't help one bit.
I'll make sure things get better.
Somehow.

I hate change.
Change in friends, that you can see so dramatically.
Change that spirels them down, down, down.
I hate things being different.

But different doesn't always mean worse.
It just means different.

I.....uh....

I.....don't even know how to react to that.

If it'll make you happy, then go for it.
Don't ask me.
Do whatever it takes to stop yourself from spirling down further into misery.
I hate seeing you so uspet. So the second you're happy, I'll be happy too.

Even if the thing that will make you happy will hurt like a bitch for me.
It doesn't matter.
It'll only last a little while.. That's just selfish me talking.

In essence.
Do what you want.

Is this how you repay me?

After everything I've done for you, risked for you.
You say I make you happy, but do you truely mean it the way that I mean it?
Do I really make you smile? Or is it just the thought of someone else?
I need to know.

Because you say these things to me.
You're always smiling when I'm with you.
But now I'm not so sure.
Am I just someone to help you get over her?
Or do you actually want to be with me?
Is it me that you're thinking about, or her?

You told me that you had a re-bound girl. That didn't end well.
So is that what I am then??
Just another fucking re-bound girl to you?

JUST TELL ME ALREADY
I hate this stringing along process.
I want to be there for you, and I want you to want me to be there.

But why must you make it so fucking paniful?

Something or other.

I guess I should try find some interesting things to start blogging about.

Firstly.
ALANNA WHAT THE HELL??
Whatever you've done with your blogger profile is annoying, because it doesn't let me on.
Silly girl.

Secondly.
Maybe I'll just steal Kristy's idea and do a 'shoutout' to everyone.
I'm sorry Kristy, I like the idea.

Shoutout.

My first shoutout goes to Alanna.
Lala, you are my everything. That sounded more gay than it was meant to.
What I mean is.
Even though our friendship wasn't something I was expecting.
I never thought I could have a best friend like you.
You can make me smile so easily, make me laugh when no one else can, keep me entertained, and teach me new things every time we talk.
And even though I might not see you as much as I want to these days, I know that you'll always be there for me no matter what.
And always be happy to see me.
So thankyou. Thankyou for the past 4 years, and years to come.

Shoutout to Kristy.
Hmmm, I don't know how to express my love for you in writing Kristy.
But I do, with all my heart.
I really didn't see this ever coming. Looking back into primary school when we didn't even really talk unless the time called for it.
And now I can tell you everything, and know that you'll listen even if you don't want to.
I can ask for advice, and know that you'll always be able to give me some.
Thankyou, just for being you.
And for making me happy just because I know you.

Shoutout to Mary.
Even though you don't read this, I'll write it anyway.
Ok, truth be told... OMG WE'RE FRIENDS???
After so many years of me never wanting to talk to you at all.
And now this. For 4 years you've made me smile.
You always have something new and exciting going on to keep me awake.
I feel like, I can tell you pretty much everything about me, and even if you don't like it, you'll accept it, and you'll listen.
I'm sorry for when I don't always reply to you, or talk to you.
But I want you to know that I'll always be here for you, because you'll always be here for me.
Thankyou for your random ramblings.

Shoutout to Sharniii.
You don't read this either, but who cares.
You're like the big sister I never got to have. The green to my blue. The gravy to my roast vegtables.
2 years along now, and we keep getting closer. I love you with all my heart.
Thankyou for just being there, no matter what. Thankyou for accepting me as the messed up little sister that I am.

Shoutout to Mammoth.
You don't get a name, I hardly call you by your actual name anyway.
Ok, so mammoth isn't the best nickname. I know that.
I don't know why I started calling you that, it just felt right.
You keep me warm; protect me, guard me.
Like in IceAge.
Even when there's something you'd much rather be doing. You'll always put me first.
I don't really like that though. If you want to do something else, do it bitch.
But thankyou.
Thankyou for making me always feel wanted and loved, and for holding me when no one else will.
Thankyou for always asking how my day has been, and calling just because you think something might be wrong.
Thankyou for telling me you miss me, and telling me that I'm beautiful.
Thankyou for lying to me so that I don't feel bad.
Thankyou for making the last few months that I've gotten to know you so fun, exciting, and safe.

Shoutout to MAC.
I don't mean to skip people, don't feel like that.
But I want to shoutout to everyone at school.
Thankyou for making the learning process somewhat enjoyable.
Thankyou for helping me when I need it, cheering me up when I'm down, just being happy to see me every morning in general.
Thankyou for being the friends that you have been to me.
Thankyou for the past 4 years that we've been together.

Shoutout to Big W.
Not the store, the store is shit.
I mean the people there.
The ones that I work with, the ones that I occasionally run into and mumble a few salutations to.
Thankyou for making me love my job. Making it interesting, fun. Thankyou for always making me laugh, and for always giving me a story to take home.

Well folks.
That's all for now.

Happy blogging to all.
I'm off for a walk with my Mammoth.

I miss you more than anything.

I know that down there in those blogs below this one.
I keep saying that I miss you more than anything.
That I would do anything for you.
That you mean the world to me.

I'm not saying that you're not any of those things to me.
I'm not saying that I woudn't risk anything for you.
I'm not saying that I don't always miss you.

Truth is.
I miss these two people more than anything.
More than you.

I miss my KAM.
I miss the trouble, the fun, the late night outings, the inside jokes.
Everything.
Even though it's not like we never see each other.
Even an hour after we've hung out.
I miss you all over again.

KAM, it's love.



I love you both THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS much!

I still miss you.

Even though I saw you last night.
Even though neither of us wanted me to leave.
Even though we talk constantly.
It's not the same.

I want to be with you all the time, to keep you warm and tell you things will be alright.
I want to be the one that you trust more than anyone.
I want you to know that I'll always be there.
I want to be able to invite you over without her getting in the way.

I don't want to have to sneak over all the time just to spend time with you.
I don't want to risk everything at night.
I don't want to only be able to talk to you in secret.
And I really don't want to always hear about her when you're with me.

But...because I miss you.
It doesn't matter what I want, or don't want.
The only thing that matters is whether I get to see you or not.
And I'll do anything for that.


"When do I get to see you again?"
"Whenever you want. I'll come."

No, that wasn't meant to be dirty.
Sicko's.

I'm so loved....

So...

I'm guessing about 3 people would actually care....

Cuz I miss you.

Just because I miss you.
Because I haven't seen you in 3 days.
Shock, horror.
Because I know something's wrong that you're not telling me.
Because I haven't talked to you properlly all day.

Because you miss me.
Because you want to see me.
Because there's something you want to tell me, but can't.
Because you won't talk to me today.

Because I was meant to come see you last night.
Though I couldn't.
Because I want to come see you tonight.
Though I shouldn't.

Because you wanted me to come see you last night.
Because it was your idea that I come tonight.
Because there's something that's making you need to see me.
And because I'm worried.

Because I'd do anything for you.
Becasue you know that.

I love you.

It's time!

It's time to climb a pole!

To take a drive through the forest.

To build a fire and burn soft drink cans.

To roll on the grass.

To explore hollow trees.

To stick your head out the window.

To laugh at stupid people.

To eat good food and get all fat.

It's time for a family drive.

Muzac

Someday.... I'm going to stop just listening to music and wishing that I could do that.
I'm going to actually try.
I've been too lazy when it comes to all of this.

Years of piano lessons, gone to waste.
I never tried.
Years of singing lessons, not so much gone to waste.
But I could always do more.

Fuck.
I'm so lazy....

It's time to DANCE

The method to purchasing new clothing.

1. Try on as much as possible

2. Purchase some clothing items

3. Model the new purchases for anyone willing to watch

4. DANCE! and pose for photos

This is just obsessive.

I blog about you wayyyyy too much.
It just can't be healthy.

But everytime I tell myself that I'm going to stop blogging about you, something happens, and I'm back here.
Ranting about how much you anger me, or how happy you make me.
Depending on the day.

IT'S HARD, OK!
You're like my drug.

Dear Genah.

As if.






I stole it from Lala, silly.

When it all falls apart.

I can't believe I just quoted The Veronica's.
Someone spank me.
;-)

This kinda hurts.
After everything I've done for you, everything I have blown off to be with you or talk to you when you need me to.
After it all.
You do this.

Even though she doesn't appreciate you.
She uses you, and you know it.
After everything she hasn't done for you.
She expects too much of you, and controls you.
You do this.

Even though I'm the one you talk to the most.
Even though you complain about her.
Even though you say she's not the one for you.
That you can do better.
You do this.

Even though you say I'm the most amazing person you've met.
Though you tell me all these things.
Though you can trust me, and not her.
Even though I show you how much I care, and she never does.
You do this.

You tell me whatever you're thinking, when you need help, I'm there.
I'll always be there.
She never will be.
And still.
You do this.

You always get so hurt by her.
She never aplogizes.
You always end up depressed, turning to me for help.
And I try, but still.
You do this.

Even though the other day, you told me she wasn't the one for you.
That you know you can do better.
That you want someone who will always be there for you.
Someone like me, but even still.
You do this.

I just don't know why you put yourself through all of this.
When everyone knows you don't deserve it.
You haven't done anything wrong, it's all got to do with her.
And then.
You do this.

Stop going back to her.
You're like a mozzie, attracted to those blue lights.
And you get zapped.
But you never learn, so again.
You do this.

I guess now I'm begging.
I really do hate it when you're depressed.
I hate being the one to try and comfort you, knowing that nothing I say will ever really change what you do.
It's a horrible feeling.
You bring it upon yourself, you know you do.
But you can't stop, I don't know why.
You say it's love.
I think you're wrong.
Love isn't meant to hurt so much.
Love is beautiful.
What she's putting you through isn't beautiful.
What she feels for you isn't love.

Loyalty.

Staying loyal to someone.
What exactly does that mean?

When you think about it, if you really love someone, from the bottom of your heart, then staying loyal comes easy.
You aren't tempted to lie, or cheat, even if seems so simple and so easy at the time.
You aren't tempted by anything.
And you want nothing else but to be with that person.
It's love.

Ok, but how about this.
The person you love, isn't loyal to you....

They say they love you, but they don't show it.
They go out with other people, lie to you about it, blow you off for no reason.
They don't just want to be with you.
They control you, because they don't trust you.
That isn't love.

So what do you do?

If you love them, then nothing they do will bother you.
Pretty much, they can do whatever they want, just as long as they come back to you at the end of the day, right?
THAT ISN'T LOVE.
THAT'S ABUSE.

They don't respect you, or appreciate you.
They expect you to always be there, like a back up.
And it's not because of anything you have done.
It's all them.

You gotta really think about it.
Are they worth all the shit they put you through?
Is it worth always being hurt?
Do you really love them that much?

No amount of 'loyalty' will ever change how they act around you.
You can be as loyal and caring and loving as possible, but that won't change them.
They aren't loyal to you, never will be.

Love is a win-win situation.
This isn't one of those.

Right now, you have to ask.
Are they really the one for you?
Someone that doesnt trust you, uses you, hurts you constantly.
They don't love you like you love them.

They don't deserve you.

If you're never happy loving them, then that isn't love either.
And you can't just accept that of them.
Find someone who will treat you the same as you treat them.
Find someone worth your time.
Find someone who makes you always feel wanted.

Someone like me.

And it has been done.

11:00am - meant to start work until 4:00pm

10:30am - began the walk to work

10:45am - found out someone was having a bad day

10:50am - standing outside Stafford City, on the phone to Big W, calling in sick

11:00am - sitting in Macca's with a mango smoothie

11:20am - caught a cab to her house for the day to cheer her up

3:30pm - decided to call a cab

3:40pm - was too busy curled up on the couch with her to notice the time

4:00pm - found out her sister was coming home

4:01pm - rang the cab

4:10pm - spent 10 minutes huddled together against the wall because I was cold

4:15pm - cab finally comes

4:30pm - get home, no one suspected anything =)



All in all, pretty good day.
Watched a movie, wrestled, sunk into the couch, got stuck under a table, fed the dog.
And had a really fun time.

WORK CAN KISS MY FAT ASS

Fuckin' toy sale.

They called me up, half an hour before they wanted me to start work, and asked me to come in.

They then did not say 'thanks', I didn't get my break until 5 hours after I started, and when I left, they were asking me to work all day today as well.
Well fuck you Big W!
Maybe I'll just call in sick.
YOU WOULDN'T LAST ONE FUCKING DAY OF THIS FUCKING SALE IF I WASN'T FUCKING THERE AND YOU FUCKING KNOW IT!

I have a million other things I could be doing today.
But no, because I know you won't survive.
Because I know that you'll need me there.
Because I know chances are if I call in sick, Jayne will eat a baby and blame me.
So no, I don't get to go out like I had planned.
I GET TO GO TO WORK!

Yesterday I left with no voice, a headache, my legs were dropping off, I hadn't sat down for hours, had customers yelling at me even as I was walking out the door.
And today, it is expected that I'll just turn up.

"It comes with the job" you say.
"Suck it up" you say.

YOU FUCKING WORK THERE AND SUCK IT UP!

2 years of my life, I have worked hard, been happy to be there, put up with the abuse that I get from customers though it's never my fault.
And I leave, knowing that I'll be back there the next day to the same thing.
And I'm fine with it.
Back when they used to appreciate me.

But now look.
They move me onto the desk, and never let me work on there.
They assume I can work certain hours, without ever fucking asking.
If I can't work them, I'm expected to make up for it somehow.
I'm sorry, pretty fucking sure I've earn't enough good points over the years, I don't have to make up for anything.
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE NICE.
People abuse you.
They see how you are, and constantly expect it.

I'm sick of all this.

I like my job, the people I work with.
But I'm sick of the shit that I have to put up with.

Fuck it.
I'm calling up sick.
And doing something I actually want.