Oi, dude.

WTF.

Seriously, like, I just don't get it.
Screw writing this like I'm not directing it at anyone, screw worrying about being too forward, screw thinking about how to word this, screw trying to make this make sense, screw putting anything into proper setances. Screw everything I normally do when I write on here.
This is what I want to say.

I don't understand you.
I don't get any of it anymore.
You scared me last night, you really did. There's a hole in the wall now, and you didn't think that would scare me?
You wonder why I pulled away?
You looked at me as if I shouldn't fear you.
But then you gave me no reason not to.

Things were going so well, things have been going so well for a while now.
I always feel safe talking to, feel secure, feel comfortable.
Last night, I didn't even know you anymore.
I know you get like that, a lot these days, and I'm always on the phone to you, or I'll come see you. But by then, you've already calmed down.
Last night, I was there. I was there when it happened, I was there to see your reaction, I was there to see the tears in your eyes, I was there to see you throw your phone into the wall, I was there to see you clench your jaw.
I was there for everything.

I still don't understand.

I'd never seen you like that before, I don't think I really understood just how bad things hit you. I never realised how you felt.
But I'd never seen it before then.
Now I get it.
But I still don't understand.

I don't understand why you let her do that to you.
I don't understand why you keep going back to her. Or why you always know what's going to happen, but you set yourself up to get hurt instead of avoiding it.
I don't understand why you won't let me talk to her, or why I'm not allowed near her.
Wait, yes I do. Because I'd hurt her.
I'd hurt her because you can't.

I'd hurt her because you don't deserve that.
I'd hurt her because she makes you hurt yourself. Because she doesn't deserve to even know you, because you can do so much better.
I'd hurt her, because, given the chance, she'd probably hurt me too.
I'd hurt her because I haven't ever done anything to her.
And because she thinks I have wronged her somehow.

I don't want to be scared of you anymore. I didn't like it.
I didn't like that fear that I couldn't hide from my face.
I didn't like the way that without even realising, I moved away from you.
I didn't like the fact that you'd noticed before I did.
I hated how I couldn't fix it.
I hated the look on your face when you saw me.
I hated that I wanted to hug you, but I couldn't.
I hated that I felt so unsafe, when I know I had no reason to.
I hated that she had caused all of that.

Why?

WHY CAN'T YOU PULL AWAY FROM HER ALREADY?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.
SHE TREATS YOU SO BAD, YOU KNOW SHE DOES, EVERYONE KNOWS THAT SHE DOES! BUT YOU KEEP GOING BACK TO HER.
AFTER EVERY FIGHT, EVERY ACCUSATION, EVERYTHING. SHE DOES NOTHING TO HELP YOU. YOU ALWAYS FIX IT.
WHY??
YOU'RE "ATTACHED" TO HER? THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE.
HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY STILL WANT TO BE WITH HER, AFTER ALL OF THIS? THE LIES, THE MANIPULATION, THE NIGHTS THAT YOU SPEND FIGHTING WITH HER.
How can you not see that she doesn't deserve to be around you?
IT ISN'T FAIR!

It's not fair on you, it's not fair on me.
It's not fair on the people that you isolate yourself from.
It's not fair that she's all you ever think about, even when I'm with you, even when I'm kissing you.
What about the fact that she's all you ever talk about? Even when we're watching a movie.
How about the fact that you're setting yourself up to be miserable every time you call her?
Or how you call her, even though you're out with me?
HOW IS THIS FAIR ON ANYONE?

You lie to her, telling her you're home alone.
You lie to yourself, saying you're doing nothing wrong.
You're lying to me, everytime you say "love you".

I lie to her, everytime I say that we don't ever spend time together.
I lie to you, when I say that this doesn't bother me.
I lie to myself, because I believe you when you say "love you."

I cry.

I can't sit here and watch her do this to you anymore.
I can't watch you do this to yourself anymore.
I can't watch you cry anymore, I can't watch you set yourself up anymore.
I can't watch you lie anymore.

I want to leave you, to pull away.
I'd get more sleep, I'd feel less depressed, I'd have more time to be there for others.
I'd have cheaper phone bills.
I wouldn't have to stay up all night, waiting for you to call me because you've turned your phone off.
I wouldn't have to cry because you hurt me.

But I can't ever leave you.
Not ever.
And I cry because I even think about it sometimes.
You mean too much to me, you need someone you can lean on and talk to.
You need me, I need you.

Please, I'm begging.
I don't want this anymore. I want you to be happy.
I want you to look me in the eyes, and tell me that you like me, without your phone in your hands.
I want you to hug me like you mean it.

Things aren't always bad like this.
I love being with you, and not even having to talk. I love how I feel so comfortable with you.

Last night we had fun.... we were in a hospital, but it was fun.
We talked like we used to, about everything. I looked into your eyes, and I knew that you were happy.
We lay for hours not saying anything, but I knew that I was the only one you were thinking about.
Then she called. And that all changed.
Then you threw your phone into a wall.
I lay there, and I held you for hours, just to show that you do have someone who cares about you. And still, she was all that you were thinking about.

I'm not jealous.
I'm angry.

"You know, everytime she walks past you, your fist clenches."
"Hahahaha, omg, does it really??"

Fix this.
Or I will.