Somethinggggg.

Where do I start?

Things have been pretty hectic for a while now I guess.. But I'm staying above the water.
I went through a bit of a rough patch not too long ago now. People were starting to notice, no matter how hard I tried to keep it hidden.
Usually they never notice a thing, and I'm happier with it like that.
But that week, no matter how hard I tried to keep my wall up, people could see over it.
And it started to crumble, bit by bit, everyday.

They knew not to ask me questions or ask for my help, because they could see it in my eyes that I wouldn't be of any use to them, or myself.
They could see me falling apart.
I didn't realise that they had started to notice, until she said something to me. Then I caught on.
Only then did I start to click. Why they were avoiding me, why they weren't asking for my help, why I was getting so many hugs.
They could see it, they could see it in my face, in my work, in my actions, in my body language, in my spoken words.

I didn't like that, how could I be so careless?
How could I be so stupid, how could I let my wall down? I could I let them see?

I didn't like it at all.

So again, I re-built my wall.
And I re-built it well.

Now I feel more confident, now I can walk around knowing they suspect nothing. Now I can be of actual help to people.
Which apparently, they needed. Considering there's a nice big fight going on that I didn't know about, to which I am stuck in the middle of. Being pulled over that way and hearing someone bitch about someone else. And then being pulled over the other way, and hearing some more bitching about another person.
...Sometimes, I wish I was more self-involved.

But, I've had a good week so far actually. I've been really happy. I think the stress has almost passed, and I'm learning to just accept that exams are coming, assignments will not get any better, and it will be holidays soon enough.
So the stress pimples are clearing :)

I still haven't slept in a while. I'm up until 2am-ish most nights now, somtimes even later. But I come to school, and I'm happy. I love my friends, even if I don't see them all as much as I want to.
I know they'll always be there to accept me no matter what. Even though I haven't been the greatest friend to them these days.
And I'm sorry for that. But I can't turn my back on the people that need me, no matter how much I WANT to be somewhere else.

I still have so many assignments to do, but after the giant maths one, I think I'd like a break.
I will get onto physics, I can do my experiment, that won't take too much time.
But I think I'd just like to relax for a bit, before I begin my studies. I know, I probably can't afford to do that this close to exam block. But I'm so un-stressed at the moment, it's like I'm high.
I'd like to keep it that way.

Life is good.