New.

I’m craving a good blog. I want to write something, to express myself, to be interesting.

And, I can’t.

I have nothing to scream about, nothing to rant about, and nothing that’s bothering me enough to write a nice long bitchy blog.
Life is actually good!

Exams are coming up, and I’m not stressing. I’m not worried. I’ve started to accept the fact that I will not do so well on any of my exams; I’ve accepted the fact that I can only do my best. So I’m not freaking out about them, I’m not going to stay up into the early hours of the morning reading the same thing over and over and over again, because it hasn’t quite melted into my brain yet.
I’m going to study, until I feel like I need to stop, and I won’t push myself any further.
I’m going to take my breaks when I need to, and do something I enjoy.
I’m going to go into my exams, either knowing that I’m going to do well, or knowing that I won’t, and I’m going to be happy either way.

I haven’t let myself get overwhelmed these last few days, like I have the last week or so.
Not with my workload, not with my family problems, not with my friends problems, not with anything.
I’m taking things as they come, and letting them do as they want. What use is there to let yourself get worked up or stressed? It does nothing helpful. Things seem so much worse than they really are when you worry about them. As I very quickly noticed last week.
You can only do so much for yourself and your problems. You can only work so hard. You can only worry so much.
I used to be so good at not worrying, not stressing, not caring.
I used to take whatever came at me with a smile on my face, and just let it roll right over my head, without even thinking about it twice.
If you spend all of your time thinking and focusing on the bad things in your life, you miss out on all the good things that come by you.

It used to live my life by that simple fact.
Until the other week, that is.
That time when I started to stress more easily, when things just became too much for me, when my family became just too unbearable, when I couldn’t cope with listening to everyone else’s problems and then have them turn their backs on me.
I got overwhelmed, and it hit me hard.
I got miserable, I spend hours every night walking up and down my street, because I hated being in my house, hated being around people. I wanted to just be left alone to wallow in my own selfish shit.
Saturday night was my wakeup, when I started to realise how the ‘new’ me was affecting other people. I’d begun to isolate myself too much from the people that I cared about, and who cared about me. I’d become self-centred and careless. I started to question my goals in life, and whether I wanted to get there at all anymore.
I stopped replying to people when they asked for my help; I refused to be around my family, or my friends. I lied to everyone, to hide what was really going on in my head. I turned everything that was said to me against that person, almost as if I was looking for a fight. And I was.
Then it hit me, all it took was a few simple words muttered by one of my closest friends, and I stopped. I saw myself the way that they were starting to see me, for the new person that I had become, and for the horrible friend that I had been.

I’d changed myself, it had only been for a short period of time, but they had noticed, and they didn’t like it. Neither did I when I realised that.

I always promised myself that I would be the best friend I could be, to everyone. That I would always gladly put my friends above myself, and that I would never turn my back on anyone when they needed me.
I broke that promise to myself when I started to let my wall down.

So now I’m back. The Madi that people know, the one that apparently they all need me to be.
I’m trying so hard too. Trying not to let myself get overwhelmed anymore, trying to remember my promise.
And they’re noticing too, they understand that I’m fixing myself.

I’m starting to listen to myself again, to follow that one simple rule that I had always lived my life by.
To not let those bad things get me down, and to wait for the good things to come by me.

I spent last night with a friend of mine, because she was in a bad mood, and I was in one of the best moods I’d been in in a while.
I don’t care that I didn’t sleep last night at all. Because I feel more awake than ever.
I’ve turned myself around, and I’ve opened my eyes to things that I’d forgotten.
Life is good.
Life is worth living.
Things always get better if you just give them time.

My family might not want me around them anymore, but they are still my family, and I’m not turning against them. I sit with them at night, and we don’t talk, but they know at least that I’m there and not alone in my room.
I make an effort. Things will get better.

I do my assignments, I study as much as I feel that I can. I know I’m not going to ace my exams, I know the best I can do is probably a mere pass. But I know that I’ve tried, and if I try a little harder next year, things will get better.

I’m being the best friend that people need me to be. I’m listening to them when they need someone to talk to. And even though I know that they might not ever be there to listen to me, they still might someday. Things will get better.

Life is good.